


Do The Hokey Pokey

by anarchycox



Series: This Is My Family [5]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Conversations, Deleted Scenes, Fluff, Multi, Sex, Slice of Life, bonus chapters, every little random thought I have about this universe, this is where you can also ask for prompts related to this universe, yes this is where all our wonderful couples will get it on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9141799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: This is the repository of one shots, bonus chapters, deleted scenes for the This is My Family Series.





	1. Tony & Clint Sex Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I was only supposed to start this at the end of the series, but the demand for Tony's sex talk was just too darn high.

"Hey, Phil, what's up?" Tony asked working on some schematics.

"Clint has learned all about sexual reproduction this week in biology and I think he could use the first sex talk you'll give him." Phil said without any preamble.

Tony put down his pencil carefully. "He's 8."

"And Tashie has known about sex for a year and a half." Phil replied. "He's asking questions."

"You're his father, you answer them. Or I can have JARVIS put together a packet of information." Tony nodded. "Yes there we go - JARVIS write a sex book."

"I will make it my first priority sir." JARVIS answered.

"And that's another thing," Tony began to pace. "What do you mean first?"

"Well, I would imagine your first talk would be vague, and as he gets older, it would grow more specific." 

"I can hear you laughing." 

"Trust me, I wasn't laughing when Skye asked me about what guys really like 5 months after she moved in." Phil's voice was pained. "The how to roll a condom demonstrations ruined bananas and cucumbers for me for a year."

"Phil, why me?"

"Because he needs to know about sex with men. I can help with talking about women, but can't be of practical use Tony. We've talked about this."

"We texted at 1am about this. That isn't a conversation."

"Would you leave your godson without answers?"

"Oh that is a low blow Phil." Tony glared at a wall. "Fine. Sent him over at some point. I'll think of something. But you owe me big. Huge."

"Of course." Phil agreed. "Tony, I know you'll do fine."

"Sure, I will, I'm awesome. And I've had enough sex, talking about it will be a breeze."

"Uh-huh." Phil hung up.

Tony sat down and put his head in his hands. This was going to suck.

One week later he and Clint were sitting on top of the dining room table and having an oreo dunking contest. The milk glasses were disgusting at this point and Clint was a bit of a mess. Tony debated just skipping the talk, the sweet boy didn't need details yet. 

"I know about sex." Clint said abruptly. "I know that's why I'm here. And, I've overheard Mama talking about things with Tashie."

"Overheard or spied?"

"Not my fault they didn't notice I was in the gap between the cupboards and the ceiling." Clint shrugged. "And I mean I know that shower tickle time is Mama and Daddy having sex."

"Oh god." Tony groaned.

"Daddy says that a lot. Mama is quieter."

Tony was sharing that with Phil at the worst possible time.

Clint dunked another cookie. "At school we learned about the biology of it and Dad has told me about consent. I always ask if they want to be touch and if they say no I don't, and I can always say no too."

"Yeah, that is a very important rule." Tony agreed.

"Did you ever not listen?"

Tony stared at the package. "No, there was always a willing partner to be found. There were plenty of times I wanted to say no and didn't. Would have hurt my image you see."

"Hurting your image was worse than hurting you?" Clint looked at him. "That doesn't make sense."

"Well, Clint, I used to be a genius at being an idiot." Tony smiled a little. "Your dad wants me to answer any questions you have."

Clint screwed up his face in thought. "It isn't just about making babies, because I mean Mama and Daddy do it a lot and there isn't a baby that I've seen."

"Sex can be for lots of things." Tony said after a moment. "For babies, for fun. It can be about comfort, about connecting with someone, it can be about getting what you want, it can be a weapon." 

"Is it magic?"

"What do you mean?" Tony asked.

"Well if it can do all that, it has to be a magic thing right?" Clint split an Oreo in half and licked some frosting. "Because like just putting a penis in a person, that doesn't seem that magical, it seems like work. But if it can do all that, it has to be magic then." 

Tony scrubbed a hand over his face and thought for a bit while Clint made a major mess. "Okay. Yeah. It is. You know how Melinda talks about everyone having these tiny little superpowers?"

"Like me never missing when I aim for a thing? Or how you can always make a machine better?"

"Yeah those. Sex is like that, little magics. Do you know about orgasms?" Tony choked a little on the word.

"It is the release of -"

"Sure you know the works of it, but beyond the biological reason it does stuff, it makes a person feel good. It can be the equivalent of a foot rub or it can short circuit your brain and make you forget your own name. It can help you sleep, it can help you feel good about yourself. And it gives you the magic to make another person feel amazing." Tony turned red. "I like sex with Pepper not because of how it makes me feel, and believe me that is completely awesome, but for how I can make her feel. I can make her feel beautiful, and helpless, or the most powerful woman in the world. I can make her feel...love and worshiped."

"You do that every day though." 

"It's a bit different. More...visceral." Tony sighed. "I'm not making any sense. I am not a good choice for this."

Clint shook his head. "Does it work the same for boys as well as girls?"

"It does. You always have consent and you always practice safe sex, and you always make them feel important even if you are walking out 20 minutes after you are done."

"Do people do that? What about cuddles?"

"Some do, but I don't think that will be your style." Tony smiled a little. "I can't picture you having encounters, you'll have relationships."

"Only one." Clint said easily. "Oh crap."

"I thought you were over the marrying Bruce thing."

"Gosh, no. But Mama said I was coming on a little strong and to just be his friend right now. Let us grow up."

"Your mom is a very smart lady. Maybe you should ask her about all this."

"I think you are doing good. Get a yes, get a condom, always be respectful and kind, and do it right and it is magic." Clint ticked it all off on his fingers. "Wade said ropes are involved is that true?"

"Fuck me." Tony flopped back on the table. 

Clint crawled over and flopped beside him. "Did I kill you?"

"No, but no talking sex with Wade and that type of stuff we are definitely waiting until you are older to talk about."

They are quiet for a time, sitting in spilled milk and oreos.

"Is it really, real magic Uncle Tony?"

"Yeah, Clint." Tony smiled a little at the ceiling. "With the right person, it is the best magic ever."

"I like magic." Clint said thoughtfully. "And it's really the same with boys?"

"I mostly have only felt the true magic with Pepper, but it was there well enough with the guys, so I'm betting it would definitely be there for you."

"Good. I want to make Bruce feel magical. He deserves more magic in life."

"Or whoever it is." Tony said gently.

"Sure, or whoever." Clint agreed. "My butt is wet."

"Mine too. Pepper is gonna kill us for this mess."

"Wanna see if we can throw split open Oreos and stick them to the ceiling?"

Tony grinned. "Science! What sticks better, regular or double stuffed?"

"OOOH YES!" Clint grabbed the cookies and they both started throwing sex talk forgotten.

 

_8 years later_

"Uncle Tony, I have a question about lube!" Clint shouted as he walked into Tony's lab.

Tony lit a blow torch and Clint turned around and walked right out.

"Sir." JARVIS chided.

"I know, I know." Tony put the equipment away and went upstairs where Clint would be waiting for sex talk number 9.


	2. I Could Have Danced All Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felt the need to write super sap. A Valentine Dance (Bruce is 11 and Clint and Tashie are 9)

"There's a ballroom in here." Bruce stood in the middle of the room and his voice echoed. 

"There's everything in here kid." Tony explained. "Think Pepper would let me bring a skateboard in here. This room always makes me want to skateboard."

"No, because you would break a leg, and I intend to dance all night." Pepper said, writing in her journal.

"I could dance with a broken ankle." Tony protested.

"You can't dance, period." Pepper teased. It was a joke that was a decade old between them.

Tony took the journal out of Pepper's hand and gave it to Bruce. "Hum for me kid."

Bruce rolled his eyes. "JARVIS I think Tony needs music to prove a point."

"Of course Master Bruce. Virginia a favourite of yours." An old big band song came on and Tony moved her around the room. Bruce thought Tony was doing well and Pepper was smiling. Bruce sank to the ground and watched them swing around the room, until Tony picked her up and spun her around a little.

They ended close to Bruce and Tony took a bow. "Well, you can see that Pepper needs her eyes and feet checked. I'm a great dancer."

"She's already taller than you, why pick her up and make it even more obvious?" Bruce asked. Pepper laughed and Tony looked quite affronted, but he was secretly pleased. Teasing Bruce was showing up more and more.

Pepper gave a small curtsy. "Good sir, would you perhaps care to have the next dance?"

Bruce looked at his stained finger nails and dragging shoe lace and how perfect Pepper looked, which was always really. And he hadn't no idea what to do. "Karen is expecting me home soon."

"Of course." Pepper smiled graciously. "You have your suit fitting for the party this week, don't forget?"

"I'm coming to the party?" Bruce looked around the fancy room.

"Of course, you and Karen. It is our Valentine's ball, a charity function for the heart and stroke foundation. Clint and Tashie will be here as well." Pepper smoothed his hair. "And I would love to dance with you at it."

Bruce paled at the thought. 

The next day he called Clint. "I need the troops." he blurted into the phone.

"Deploying." Clint said hanging up.

Less than an hour later Clint and Tashie were banging on the door. "We have provisions, fake passports, and weapons. What's up?" Clint asked.

Bruce blinked at them. "Tashie are you wearing camo?" 

"Best to be prepared." Tashie nodded. "Colonel Grandpa sent them to me for Christmas. I have lots of pockets."

Bruce pulled them in and Karen looked at them and decided to ignore whatever the three were plotting. She had learned that was generally the best policy over the last several months. Bruce dragged them up to his room and shut the door.

Clint bit his lip. "Are you okay, do you need us to beat someone up?"

"No." Bruce sat on his bed and sighed. "Pepper and Tony's big dance charity thing."

Clint smiled. "It's always a fun party. Balloons and the cake always looks like hearts and she always makes sure Tony gets a little cake that has a frosting pacemaker attached to it." Clint's sigh was a happy one. "And Mama looks beautiful and Dad like James Bond and they dance, and we dance and we can stay up as late as we want and then we all go crash in the Uncle Tony's living room, and eat and talk and fall asleep in our pretty clothes. My suit this year is going to be blue, I think. Electric blue with black lapels and maybe a black tie with a silver design."

"Not purple?" Bruce asked a little sidetracked.

Clint shook his head. "People expect the purple, I like to shake it up."

"I'm wearing a suit this year too. Retro with tails. They'll spin neat when I dance." Tashie swung around a little and Clint fell in beside her and they danced around Bruce's room. They were smooth, as smooth as Tony and Pepper had been.

"I can't do that." Bruce said.

"What?" Clint dipped Tashie before she spun him and dipped him. He looked at Bruce upside down. "You can wear a classic suit if you would prefer."

"No I can't dance." Bruce hugged his legs. "It is so much touching strange people and you have to know these moves and act all cool and I'm not cool, and I don't want to disappoint Pepper by saying no, but she's Pepper and perfect and I don't want to embarrass her at her fancy party by being a bad dancer."

Clint and Tashie sat next to him on the bed. "I think you are cool." Clint offered.

"Your baseline for cool is flawed."

"It is a learned skill like any other." Tashie said. "And you are very good at learning."

"I have no rhythm." Bruce countered.

"So you count. If you can't just find the beat, we'll teach you to count." Clint thought about it. "What if we taught you how to be...the word...dang it what's the word. Mama uses it for Cary Grant?"

"Suave." Tashie said.

Clint nodded. "Yeah, we find one song, we teach you how to be all suave with it and then we'll make sure the band plays it and you can dance with Auntie Pep Pep without worrying. And only us and her, so you don't have to worry about strangers touching you."

"Three songs." Bruce said.

"Why?" Tashie asked.

"If I'm dancing with Pepper, I want to be able to do it with Karen too. And one for back up if there is a problem."

Clint nodded. "Do you trust me to pick the songs?"

"Duh." Bruce said. Tashie nodded. 

"K, Tashie show him the basic principles." Clint pulled his ipod out of his backpack and Bruce saw the fake passports. They really were ready for anything.

"This is the box step. If you get this, you can handle what you need to." Tashie moved around the room. "Repeat. One. Two. Three. Four." she moved carefully and then Bruce repeated. Tashie kept her distance occasionally explaining variations and helping him glide smoothly.

Clint wooped. "Okay, for Auntie Pep Pep, Shall we Dance, because well that just makes sense, for Karen how about As Time Goes By, and for your back up, maybe something a little quicker...I Could Have Danced All Night." Clint smiled. "Auntie Pep Pep always does old music at the Valentine dance." He played the songs.

"Okay, those work." Bruce agreed.

"Bruce film me and Clint dancing to them so you can watch at night and practice the moves and one or both of us will come over a bunch before the party to help you." Tashie promised. "Now are you ready to touch?"

"Yeah." Bruce agreed. He loved how they always asked and he had been growing more used to being touched. He expected hits less and less. 

Clint watched them. "This is like Dirty Dancing, but just the fun dancing stuff, not all the creepy and depressing stuff."

"I haven't seen it." Bruce was staring at his feet and counting.

Clint frowned. "But dancing! Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

"Well you would want to put a baby out of the way at a party, keep them safe." Bruce stumbled and Tashie held him steady.

"Okay we'll watch it." Clint stood up. "Is it okay if I come behind you to help you move?"

Bruce tensed and then relaxed. There was no way ever, never ever, that Clint would hurt him. "Okay."

The twins guided him slowly, carefully. They did it for two hours until Karen called them down for dinner. 

Bruce practiced hours a day and he meant with one or both of the twins five times before the ball, Clint having taken over as his partner so that Tashie could teach. And Bruce just responded better to leading Clint anyways.

Karen and Bruce were in Tony and Pepper's guest rooms and Karen was dressing in the gown Pepper had insisted on buying her. She felt opulent. And she was dying at how adorable Bruce looked in his suit. He was all ready except for his tie, which was crooked no matter what he did. They went out into the living room and Phil and Melinda looked stunning and Clint was preening in his suit and Tashie was spinning in hers. The photographer that showed up for big events was there as well and taking photos of everyone.

Tony and Pepper came down the hall, Tony in a perfectly cut suit and Pepper in a sleek silver gown.

"Wow." Bruce said.

"Yup, Auntie Pep Pep is gorgeous." Clint agreed. He then turned his head. "And Mama is arresting." He grinned.

Darcy snorted and took more photos. "Kid has more game than my last five dates. You into older women? Because when you are legal you can look me up."

"Taken ma'am." Clint said.

"Good ones always are."

Bruce looked at his tie which had gotten twisted. He was scared to touch Pepper even though he knew his hands were clean. "Clint, I can't do it. Not in front of 100 strangers." he hissed. It was quiet in the room and all the adults heard and wondered what was wrong.

Clint nodded. "Tashie, plan B." 

Tashie looked at all the men. "Clear a space." No one moved. "Now!" she barked. Tony and Phil picked up the coffee table and moved it to the other side of the room and then pushed some chairs back. "Good."

"JARVIS song two from that list I gave you." Clint said. He moved beside Bruce. "Just here, with family, you can do it."

"It won't be the same though." 

"Trust me, this will matter more." Clint promised. He nudged Bruce forward. 

Bruce stumbled a little but straightened up and moved in front of Pepper as the music just softly started. He held out a hand that was shaking just a little. "Pepper, may I have the honour of this dance?" 

Every woman in the room prayed that the waterproof labels on their mascara was accurate.

"It would be my pleasure." Pepper said and they stepped into the middle of the floor.

Tony sent a look to Darcy who just waved him off, she was already taking photos. Bruce stood there and put his hand on Pepper's waist. He realized he was at breast height on her which could be awkward, he wouldn't think about it. He needed to count. When he reached four he began to lead. They moved around the small space and when he moved his head, he saw Clint was counting and shuffling, as if they were still practicing. Clint twirled a finger and Bruce remembered to gently spin Pepper out and bring her back.

At the end they slowed and stopped and Bruce stepped back and remembered from movies. He gave her a bow. "Thank you for the pleasure." He hadn't tripped over his feet once. He hurried back over to Clint and they did a victory finger press. Pepper walked over to a side table, to check her journal notes about the party and to collect herself before she bawled at Bruce touching her and wanting so hard to do right for her. 

Tony's smile was blinding.

They all went down to the party and the ballroom was stunning. Guests poured in and Bruce barely saw Pepper and Tony they were so busy working the party. He sat with Colonel Rhodes, all the Coulsons and Karen. The food was amazing and Clint had been right, there were little heart cakes.

Only his was a little different. His was actually anatomically correct and had a little note underneath that said  _You've stolen My Heart, Pepper_.

It was a really good cake.

Tony and Pepper had the first dance and Clint leaned over. "You are better than Tony."

"No I'm not." Bruce said easily, he appreciated the compliment. Phil stood up and held out his hand and then he and Melinda joined them and soon the bar was flowing and the feet were dancing. Bruce managed to do his dance with Karen who kissed his head.

He, Clint, and Tashie sneaked around the tables stealing the cakes people hadn't eaten and played games until he saw Clint fight a yawn even though the party was still going strong. He guessed they'd be going upstairs to watch a movie soon. But he wanted to do something first.

"Tashie, get them to play the back up song."

Tashie gave him a salute and disappeared. Bruce moved over to Clint. "This was fun."

"Told you Auntie Pep Pep makes these great."

"Your blue suit is cool." 

"Thank you, the light shines off the silver thread nicely. You look good too, your suit is exact same as Tony's, just you know, smaller."

The band transitioned.

"Hey this is the back up song."

"It isn't back up if you dance with me." Bruce said quietly, fidgeting just a little.

Clint tried not to flail. "I would be happy to dance with you." 

The boys walked to the dance floor and Bruce held Clint as if he were fine china, or the most combustible compound ever.

"Come on Bruce, just go for it." Clint grinned. 

Bruce took a breath. He was fearless in the face of Tony mechanical explosions. He could be fearless in this. 

Bruce spun Clint around the whole dance floor. By the end of the song both boys were breathless and laughing. They bowed at all the applause they got and the three kids ran for the elevator and went upstairs where snacks and pop waited.

Darcy wished she was surprised when she was descended upon by the vultures. "Oh sorry, didn't get it." Oh look Stark could actually get smoke to come out of his ears. "I've been working with you lot for years, of course I got it. Jeez. I need a drink."

Pepper lead Tony back to the dance floor. Tony tucked their hands over his heart. "Tell me at least that that dance in the rain on our honeymoon is still your favourite."

"That dance in the rain on our honeymoon is still my favourite." Pepper leaned in close to him and they swayed. "Mostly." she whispered.

"Good enough for me." Tony said.

Everyone sang I Could Have Danced All Night for a week after the party.


	3. Phil and Melinda's First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So in The More We Get Together Phil and Melinda have a chapter where they get ready for their first date, but I don't actually show said date.  
> Thus enjoy this bonus scene from that story (http://archiveofourown.org/works/8254667/chapters/18951739 if you want to refresh your memory)

Phil stood beside Melinda as she ordered her street dog and smiled as he saw people scrambling out of an SUV. He knew Nick had set up surveillance at the restaurant, could feel the eyes on him. 

"Phil?"

"Right." Phil asked for a pop and a hot dog with mustard and relish. They took their food over to a bench and ate, talking little. They threw out their trash and Phil looked around. It was a nice night. "Maybe a bit through the park? On the other side there is a nice coffee shop."

"That sounds good." Melinda agreed and they walked side by side, not quite touching.

It was still silent. He liked the quiet of it, but he could hear all his friends yelling at him in his head. He opened his mouth.

"You don't have to."

"Have to?"

"It's a nice night and the lights on the path are pretty. You can save the small talk for the coffee shop." Melinda looked at him. "Quiet with you is okay."

Phil held out his hand and Melinda took it and they walked through the trees. At one point Melinda looked around. "Do you hear a noise? Like an electronic humming?"

Nick had broken out goddamn drones. He was going to kill his friends. He looked around and could just see it hovering. "Hey what's that over there?" When Melinda turned to see, Phil threw a small EMP disc at the drone and watched it fall from the sky. Nick could never resist seeing how close he could get one.

"I don't see anything."

"My mistake." Phil smiled. "Noise gone?"

"Yes. I'll blame Maria playing the music too loud when she came over." 

Phil noticed she seemed a little embarrassed. "Did you have to conference call your predate getting ready?"

"No." she laughed at the thought.

"I did. Tony came over, but Pepper was still in the city. Clint was disappointed I don't have more purple in my wardrobe."

"I don't feel like purple is quite your colour."

"He thinks it is everyone's colour." Phil smiled his I have the best kids smile. "There may have been dancing while I got ready."

"Tashie likes to dance." Melinda had seen her spin around the library.

"Yeah, it was mostly me and Tony."

"Oh I would love to see that."

"No, you wouldn't."

"I really would." Melinda argued.

"Look coffee." Phil pointed as they reached the end of the path. The coffee shop and the other stores in the little corner were all open, doors flung wide in the early spring air.

They crossed the street and Phil started to guide her to the coffee shop, but he noticed her looking at the used book store. "We can go in there." he offered.

"It's okay." Melinda smiled.

"Come on." Phil steered them to the used shop and watched Melinda light up.

They walked in and she sighed happily. "Hello books."

It was a small shop the four aisles crowded almost to the ceiling. There was a sign at the desk.  _We reserve the right to hit you with a dictionary if you try to sell us another copy of Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey, or Harry Potter._  

"Looks like they might be a wee bit overstocked on some books." Phil said dryly. There was a girl with purple hair working who ignored them, nose buried in a book.

Melinda laughed a little and walked down a small aisle running her hand over the spine of a few books.

"So what do you like?" Phil asked. He found a small history section and crouched to read titles.

"Anything." she pulled a science fiction book off the shelf. "Fantasy, horror, creative non-fiction, biographies, gun manuals, just anything that catches my eye." she pulled it back and found a Neil Gaiman short story collection. "Oh I haven't read this."

"You should get it then." Phil watched her shake her head and put it back. He picked out a book that looked interesting and followed her around the shop watching as she picked out random books and put them back. "Though I bet your house is just filled to the brim with books." he laughed a little.

She didn't. She paused by the romance novels and saw one on the top, it had a man who sort of looked like Phil on the cover. She held it up and he rolled his eyes. "42." she said before reading the back.

"42?"

"Dad's in the army, we moved every few years. I love books so much but they are heavy and expensive to move, so Dad had a rule. I could never own more than 42 books at a time. And I had certain books that were important to me, so really I only ever had about 20 books in rotation to used book stores."

"But you've been on your own for how long now?"

"Nice, subtle way to ask how old I am."

Phil wouldn't mention that he knew exactly how old she was, his background check on her had it.

"I'm in my forties, but the habit carried through college and my MLS, small dorms and shitty apartments. And it just became a habit I can't break." she put the romance novel down and shrugged. "It's why I love libraries, all those books, just sitting there, waiting for my fingers to open them. I can wonder who else touched them, a girl thirsting for knowledge, a woman looking for escape, a boy doing research, everyone reaching out for the printed word. It's an incredible thing." Melinda ran her hand along the shelf. "To share books, it's a wonderful thing."

She looked at Phil and he was staring at her so intently. "Phil?" she whispered.

He came closer, slowly, so she had time to stop him. She didn't. He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. They were dry and he tasted a little of the pop he had drunk on the bench. His hand held the back of her head and tugged her hair just a little. It was a short kiss, only a few seconds, but she felt it all the way to her toes.

Phil pulled back and looked at Melinda. "I really hope I didn't have hot dog breath."

She laughed a little. "It was a good kiss." she touched his cheek briefly. "Let's go get a coffee."

"I just want to get this book on submarines first." Phil said. 

Melinda nodded but watched him pick up the romance novel, the Byron biography, and the Neil Gaiman collection she had looked at. He took them all to the front and bought them. 

"Phil?"

"I don't have a 42 rule. I bought these for myself. But if someone I knew wanted to borrow them for a while, I don't see a problem with that. Sharing books, right?"

Oh, she was so sunk.

They went to the coffee shop and a swift kick to his knee allowed her to pay for this. They settled into a corner table, in a broken down sofa. They looked at each other and then dove into the bag to pull out their books. They read together for an hour, drinking coffee and occasionally touching a hand to shoulder, or to leg.

Phil realized he should get home to the kids and they walked back through the park. Nick's SUV was long gone.

Melinda was holding the Neil Gaiman. "I'll get this back to you on our next date."

Phil smiled, "No rush."

Melinda nodded and got in her car and drove home.

Maria had eaten all her leftovers and was watching CSI and yelling at the show. She saw the book in Melinda's hand. "Which book do you need me to take from you collection? Also why do you have a book when you went on a date?"

"We went to a bookstore." Melinda put it down to hang up her coat. "And not mine. He bought it and I'm just borrowing it."

Maria nodded. Her friend was so sunk. "So good first date I take it?"

Melinda just hummed an agreement and sat beside her and began to read.

Yeah, Melinda was definitely sunk.


	4. Shower Tickle Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philinda doing the do

"Mmmm, hello my Phil," Melinda said as she crawled into their bed. She was still so new to calling it their bed. She had been their two weeks and it felt odd. And right. 

"Hello Ms. Melinda May," Phil looked over at her and smiled. He was holding his pajama pants, ready to get changed and he realized how little she was wearing. "Ah."

"Ah?" Melinda blinked. They had only had sex once since she moved in, they had been busy and exhausted but things had settled down and she wanted her Phil.

"I'll lock the door," he said. "It may help."

Melinda was confused. But she forgot it when he joined her in the bed. She moved over to him and rolled on top. He held her close and she kissed him, and wondered why he seemed so hesitant. "Phil? Not in the mood?"

"No, I'm in the mood," he promised. He pulled her back into the kisses.

"Hey why is this locked?" Clint asked. 

"I don't know," Natasha could be heard. "But I'll get it. I have a bobby pin and have been practicing."

"We have ten seconds to get pants," Phil explained. Melinda scrambled out of the bed. "Awwww, pretty ass, no," he said mournfully. He grabbed his Captain America sleep pants but skipped a shirt.

"You like my ass, Phil?" Melinda was pulling shorts on.

"So very much," he agreed.

There was the barest knock and the door swung open. "You might have been being killed, we thought we heard a groan and came to investigate," Clint said. He was clutching Mister Fuzz Butt.

"Or you watched that mecha anime and got a little scared?" Phil asked.

Ahhh, that's why he had been hesitant for sex, he had thought they might have company.

"I wasn't scared, I just have fundamental concerns about men who fly around in metal suits to save us from alien invasions," Clint protested as he crawled onto the bed.

"I agree," Natasha said as she crawled up too. "Plus the possibility of robotic AI becoming truly alive is problematic."

"That's a Skye question, not a Daddy question," Phil told them.

"But she's over the garage, and it's very dark out," Clint was settled beside Melinda. "And I bet you had grave concerns too that only Mister Fuzz Butt and I can solve."

"Of course, little hawk," she agreed and kissed his head.

They were all settled in the bed and she saw Phil mouth over the kid's heads,  _in the shower in the morning_. She nodded and fell asleep with Clint strangling her and his stuffed animal.

****************************

Melinda had brushed her teeth and had the water warming for the shower when there was a knock on the door. "Come in."

"They are settled with morning cartoons and Skye," Phil promised. "Oh, you are naked."

"That is generally a state a person is in, Phil, when they are going to have a shower," she teased gently. She checked the water and it was a good temperature. 

Phil stripped down and grabbed his toothbrush and did the quickest brush ever. He was so grateful that the shower had glass doors as he watched her wash her hair. He spit and opened the door and joined her.

"Not a lot of room," he said.

"There's enough," Melinda answered and she tilted her head back to rinse the shampoo out. She sighed when Phil's fingers ran over her scalp and down the back of her neck. His thumb settled into the hollow of her throat.

"I like this spot on you," he said quietly. 

"You like a lot of spots on me."

"Well, you have very nice spots," Phil said. He tilted his head and kissed her and got an eyeful of shower spray. Which kind of hurt. He reached a hand up and changed the setting to the softer rain setting, which made kissing a lot easier. He ran a hand down her back and settled it at the top of her ass. "Very nice spots."

"You have some pretty good ones too," she said and she licked at his throat. She kissed and bit until he pulled back a little. It took her a moment. "Below t-shirt collar?"

"Unless you want to explain to Tashie," he agreed.

"Yeah, that's a talk that wait." Melinda gentled her kisses. Phil squeezed her ass before moving his hand around so that he could cup her breast. He stroked his thumb over her nipple. He kept his touch gentle, the water had her skin slick and she smelled like oranges.

Melinda wasn't as gentle and tugged at his chest hair. He moaned as her hands drifted down. "You are fantastic," he said.

Melinda was quiet as she began to stroke him, she watched him get fully hard, rested her head against his chest. She smiled as he moved her wet hair to the side a bit so it wasn't quite in her face so much. He was just so sweet. She tightened her grip a little. 

"Yeah, just like that," he said, voice thick with lust. He ran a hand down her spine and held her waist and turned them around so that he was more under the spray and she was against the wall. He crowded her so that he could help stabilize her and held her thigh and put it on the low shelf that had kid's soap and crayons.

He drew his hand up her thigh, scraping just a hint of nail, finally getting a little rougher on her skin. She tilted her head back against the wall and smiled at him. "You know shower sex is generally awkward as fuck," she said. There was a bit of shiver in her and she didn't know if it was from the cool tile, or his fingers on her hip bone.

"Well there is definitely going to be a fuck here, we'll see if it is awkward."

She snorted a little and he grinned.

"Okay so my dirty talk needs some work," he admitted.

"If it makes you feel better, your hands don't need any work," she bit her lip as his fingers moved and cupped her. "Jesus, Phil," she said as he carefully pressed his middle finger into her. He rocked his hand a bit, moving the finger in and out before pulling his hand away.

"Uhh, no," she warned. Melinda whimpered as he reached for something on the highest shelf. "Shave gel? I love you Phil, but if you are pausing to shave any part of me or you right now, I will punch you."

Phil kissed her hard enough her head banged the tile a little bit. He then twisted off the top and a small container of lube fell out. "I was a boy scout."

"That's great, Phil. I'll salute you later, now get either your fingers or your cock in me right now, soldier."

"Yeah, you ordering me about? That really works for me," he said. "I think I might have a military kink. Good to learn."

"Phil," she warned. She began to touch herself, pressing her finger against her clit. "I'm aching here."

"Water, strips away your natural ummm," Phil blushed a little. "I don't want to hurt you." 

Melinda melted against the tile a little. "My Phil."

Phil put a bit of lube on his fingers. "Keep touching your clit," he whispered as he pushed his fingers back into her. 

"Okay, fuck, that does feel good," she said. She moved her finger in small circles and moved her hips in time with Phil's fingers. But she was getting too close and she wanted more. "Give me the lube," she said and Phil handed it to her. She put some on her hand and oh god it made stroking Phil so much easier. His breath was getting harsh, especially when she twisted a little at the end and pressed her thumb firmly against the slit of his cock.

"Grab the top of the shower door," he said.

"How am I reaching that? Short woman here," she said, breathless. "Oh holy shit," she said as Phil grabbed her ass and lifted her against the wall to better line them up. Her foot moved to the second shelf and knocked something over. Her other leg wrapped around his hips. It was a lot easier to stretch up and hold the shower door. "I hope this is reinforced."

"Tony designed the shower, it could take a person slamming into it,"

"Woot for formerly slutty friends, who think of everything."

"He's the one who taught me lube in showers," he agreed. "And we really need to not talk about Tony right now."

Melinda nodded and moaned when Phil rubbed the tip of his cock against her clit. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yes," she said.

 Phil lined himself up and pressed into her. She winced just a little as she adjusted, the angle a little awkward but once he was pressed all the way into her and his chest was against hers it felt better. The way his hand was digging into her ass felt fantastic and his other hand was on the wall to balance them.

He kissed her nose.

She smiled. "Move, Phil,"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am," Phil said. He moved his hips back and pressed forward again, setting up a steady rhythm. Melinda couldn't do much to help, making sure she didn't take them out, cause an unfortunate disaster. And it was good to just feel it all. 

Phil sank her a little lower and it was a stretch for her arm, but oh god the angle was perfect. 

"Harder," she said.

Phil didn't say anything, but his hand on her ass was digging in and his hips moved faster. Melinda was moaning and was getting so damn close. His thrusts were getting erratic and he was saying  _fuckmelindasofuckingtightfuckingperfectmylin_ before he went silent body rock still as he came. He held there for a moment before pulling out and dropping her feet down to the ground. He quickly pushed three fingers into her making her feel full again and his thumb rubbed against her clit. It wasn't long before she was quivering and moaning and a few more strokes had her coming as well.

He kissed her as she came down from the high, kept his body close to hers mostly trying to keep the now tepid water off her skin.

"We are doing this a lot," she said when she remembered that she knew words. 

"Glad for combined incomes to pay water bills," he smiled.

Melinda shook her head a little. "My romantic."

Phil turned off the water and helped her out of the shower and dried her off and put lotion on her skin, kissing her shoulder, her stomach, her knee.

Her romantic, indeed.

They got dressed and went downstairs where Skye was typing away on her laptop and the kids were wrestling.

"That was a long shower Daddy," Clint said. "Were you really dirty?"

Skye looked up and saw Phil blushing. "Yeah, AC, how dirty were you in there?" she grinned.

Phil was stammering a little.

"He's very bad at washing behind his ears," Melinda said calmly.

"Oh, me too. It's on my sticker chart if I remember. Maybe Daddy should have a sticker chart," Clint suggested.

"I'm good," Phil managed to say.

Melinda winked at him. "Yeah, you are," she whispered before going to the couch to sit with the kids.

Skye bit back a laugh as Phil turned even redder.

 


	5. Skye gets a Boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skye (24/25) gets a boyfriend.

"Hello chica," a man's voice said.

"Goodbye hombre," Skye answered without looking up. She sipped her coffee and kept reading her book. "And if you make this a thing, I will collect your ball sack," she continued.

"Your van's illegally parked," was his reply.

Skye looked up at him and realized it was a cop. "No it isn't, I always park there for coffee."

"And it is the 15th, the new ordinance says can't park on this side of the road in the latter half of the month," he said. 

"Shit, when did that pass?"

"Two weeks ago," he said. "But maybe I was getting a coffee on my break and by the time I went to ticket it, the van was moved."

Skye smiled. "Thanks." She threw her tablet into her bag and ran to move the van.

When she got back to the cafe the cop was gone. Shame he had been sort of cute.

********************************

Skye was walking down the street and had to stop and moan. "Oh hello, baby," she crooned and looked at the black car. "Someone loves you pretty lady." She ghosted her hand along the side. "What's your name pretty girl?"

"His name is Ghost Rider," he said, walking up with a few grocery bags.

"Pretentious much?" Skye asked. He looked even better in the black leather jacket than the cop uniform.

"Oh and what is your van named?"

"Rolling Probable Cause," Skye joked. "Or Charlie."

The cop laughed a bit.

"You have one of the best cars I've seen in the city," Skye said. "He's a beaut."

"It's the best car," he said with a frown.

"Lola, is the best car."

"Lola? Is she is bubblegum pink?"

"Dude," Skye shook her head. "Never, ever talk smack about a 62 vette."

The cop whistled, "I've seen her, and she's yours?"

"No, but I have driven her. Once," she answered. "Better get home before your ice cream melts and fucks your interior."

"You need a ride anywhere?" he asked.

"I don't take rides from strangers."

"Robbie Reyes, now I'm not so strange."

"Maybe next time," Skye walked away, but maybe put a little extra in her walk. Once she was far enough away she pulled out her phone. "Hey, Deputy Chief Hill, want to give me the low down on Robbie Reyes? And not tell Phil or Melinda I was asking?"

********************************************

"Well, hello there," Robbie said. He had a some candy and a bottle of water.

"That's your snack of choice?" Skye shook her head sadly. Her popcorn was giant and she had a slushie to match.

"Some of us don't have iron stomachs," he answered. "Heartburn, feels like I'm on fire. You might be a little young to understand that."

"10 years younger ain't that younger," Skye ate a huge mouthful of popcorn. "Sit down." She pointed to the seat next to her.

Robbie sat. "How do you know how old I am?"

"Cops are public record, I had a name I looked you up." She smiled, "So why'd you transfer to Concord?" 

He shrugged, "Got tired of the city, tired of investigating murders. It is hard to see that much pain, and death. It gets to you, in the end. Deputy Chief Hill had an opening, I took it." Robbie looked at her. "What do you do?"

"IT manager for the New York office of an international company," Skye explained.

"Young for that job, aren't you?" he was a little surprised.

"The company found me, put me through college, I was interning and learning along with school," Skye smiled as the lights dimmed. "If you talk during the movie, I'll break your nose."

"Sure, I'm real scared of the self defense class you took at the Y," Robbie joked.

Skye threw some popcorn at him. 

Robbie made sure to stay quiet during the movie and definitely didn't react when her shoulder rested against his a little more.

After Skye gathered up her garbage. "This wasn't a date you know."

"I didn't think it was," Robbie answered. "I don't even know your name."

"Skye," she handed him a piece of paper with her number. "For when you do want to ask me out on a date."  

He sent a text that night.

******************************************

Robbie drove his car up to the house. It was nice, really nice. And made him wonder what he was doing going out with a girl who still lived at home, and was a decade younger than you.

And he wasn't nervous. Just because she was sharp and gorgeous and everything that pushed all his buttons, no big deal.

He went and knocked on the front door.

A boy opened it up, "Hello," he said.

Shit, did she have a kid?

"Name and rank," a girl said coming up beside him.

Crap, two kids.

"Officer Robbie Reyes," he said formally.

"It's the boy she's talked about," the one kid whispered. "Dad, Skye's date is here. Are we supposed to threaten him with a gun or a knife or something? That's what they do in movies." the boy smiled at Robbie. "I'm supposed to hurt you if you hurt Skye."

Right. "Is she here?" He was too old for this.

"She lives above the garage," a man said as he came to the door. "And Clint, we trust Skye to not date idiots. She can take care of herself, we don't need to threaten her dates. Even if we aren't impressed that she's dating someone a decade older than her." He gave Robbie a bland smile. "Phil Coulson." Robbie shook the hand that was offered.

"Oh," Clint said. "In that case, wanna see me be upside down?"

"Do you speak Spanish?" the girl asked.

"Si," he said. He blinked when the little girl threatened to disembowel him in Spanish. "How do you even know that word in Spanish?"

"Natasha, did you threaten defenestration again?" Phil asked with a sigh.

"No, disembowelment." She smiled sweetly.

"I'm going to go over to the garage," he said awkwardly.

"Of course," Phil nodded. "Have a good date."

"Yeah." Robbie hurried over to the garage and up the stairs. He knocked and Skye opened it up. "Those are weird kids."

"Talk shit about my kids and I disembowel you," Skye said.

"Did you teach her that in Spanish?" He asked a little helpless.

"Awww, did Clint and Tashie threaten you?"

"Little bit."

"How about DC?"

"No, no Dad with a shotgun," he said. "So Dad and much younger siblings?"

"Nope, I'm their part time nanny, when not at my main job," she frowned. "Usually DC threatens guys a little more. Huh, maybe he's maturing." She grabbed a leather jacket. "Let's go eat our weight in potato skins."

Her smile and dark makeup made him forget all about how uncomfortable the cheerful family scene had made him.

They sat at a high table at the bar and talked about everything and anything and Robbie adored how expressive she was. Hands waving everywhere, hair crackling with energy, grin wide and open.

"So tell me about being a cop, I know one, but always been more in administration," she said.

"Maybe I know them, the force isn't that big here," Robbie said.

"Maria."

It took him a moment. "You know Deputy Chief Hill?"

"Sure, she's best friend's with Melinda," Skye said like that answered the question. "What's the difference between here and New York?"

Robbie told her about New York, glossing over the details, a girl like her didn't need to know about the horrors he had seen. He told her about some cases and how he had burned out, that he had started to worry more about vengeance than justice. "I'm sorry, I know it is a little dark."

"I know from dark," Skye said seriously. 

He laughed a little. "It ain't like Law and Order. Or whatever show you've watched."

"Sure," Skye smiled at him. "So, I'm going to buy you a shot."

"I drove, no thanks," he answered. 

Her smile grew. "Good answer. I'll get you a coke, while I get another beer then."

He drove her home at 1am and was relieved when the main house was dark. 

"Want to come up?" Skye asked.

He stared at her. "Won't that guy have something to say about that?"

"Beyond better wrap it up, nah?" Skye's grin was wicked as she leaned over and kissed him. "Wanna come up?"

"Fuck, yes," he said.

He followed her up the steps and goddamn she was gorgeous and rode him hard. He made to get up after they were done. "I'll make you toast in the morning," she offered sleepily. "I have homemade jam."

Robbie settled back in.

In the morning he was woken up by those two kids staring at him. He made sure he and Skye were both covered.

"I know about sex," Clint said cheerfully. "Were you respectful and did things she liked? Will you do it in the shower?"

"I -" Robbie had faced down men high on PCP and these kids were far more terrifying.

"Skye is ours, so if you fall in love you have to move in here," Natasha said.

"Hey, not there yet kiddos, this was like our first date," Skye groaned and wiped the sleep from her eyes.

"You don't tell children you banged a guy on the first date," Robbie looked at her in horror. 

"We have an honestly policy," Skye said.

"Dad's making waffles," Clint mentioned. "He wants to know if your 'paramour' wants some."

"DC didn't say paramour," Skye winced.

"Mama said the other words he used weren't fit for our ears," Clint was bouncing a little. "Do you want waffles, sir?"

"Robbie," he said, so very lost. "And two?"

"Okay, bye!" Clint ran off and Robbie blinked when Natasha did the classic finger point I'm watching you gesture.

"What the hell?" he asked out loud when he and Daisy were alone. "This is what families are like in the burbs?"

"Nah, we're special," Skye said easily. "Want shower tickle time before we go for waffles?"

She got out of bed and he looked at the long lean line of her. "Yeah." He followed her to the tiny cubicle she had. She looked damned good wet.

After they found two covered plates on her stoop and they were the best damn waffles he ever had.

********************************************

"I'm bringing in a consultant today," Hill told the men in the conference room. "Because apparently, all of you are crap at computer security." There were winces as they knew she was just getting warmed up. Sure enough she lectured them for twenty minutes about their systems and their lack of security. Robbie was pretty good at password safety and all that, so he sort of tuned out.

"Please welcome, Phil and Skye Coulson from SHIELD," Hill said.

Robbie only heard SHIELD and perked up a bit. He knew of them well, anyone in law enforcement in New York had, they were the shit in private security.

He looked at the door and it was the man from Skye's house.

And Skye.

In a purple suit.

With no discernible shirt.

Fuck she was so hot.

And she winked at him. 

But then he paused a little, she had said IT manager.

"Hello, officers," Phil said. "As many of you know I am Phil Coulson, Director SHIELD, the private security firm. I'm mostly here to look vaguely impressive. What really matters is Skye, SHIELD's chief of cyber security." 

All the cops were definitely looking at Skye. Robbie wanted to punch a couple who were staring at that strip of skin. That was his strip of skin.

"Hi, everyone, I hear you are shit at passwords," she said. She pulled out her StarkPad. "Someone give me their name."

"Officer Johnny Blaze," a man said. "You want my number too?"

She was moving her hand on the pad quickly. "Nope, I already got a guy's number and he has mighty dexterous fingers."

Everyone laughed and Phil sort of groaned. "I don't need to know that Skye."

"Come on DC, aren't you proud that I'm in charge of my own sexuality?"

"No," he answered.

"You taught me how to roll a condom on," she said.

"Stop talking," Phil pleaded.

All the cops were looking at them like they were crazy.

Robbie thought this was still less crazy that the little girl threatening him in Spanish.

Johnny was smirking though. "You find out anything about me sweetie?"

"Yeah, if you don't stop staring at my tits, I'll tell your wife about your gambling spending at Saratoga," Skye held up her StarkPad. "Don't you know you never bet on the horse in lane 1?"

He flushed red and all the cops laughed.

Skye put the pad down. "Now let's talk security."

Robbie was really impressed. She was clear, and thorough, and he learned more than he expected.

"Yeah, well how do we know this is all legit?" Johnny asked after she finished. "Supposed to just trust you girl?"

"No, of course not. I only run the cyber security for the largest security firm in the world, I only consult with Tony Stark on the StarkPads and his personal system, I've only run a dozen ops in four countries for extractions and had the CIA offer me a million a year to come work for them. If I didn't love Deputy Chief Hill, this one hour talk would have cost 10k, easy. I'm the best. But go ahead, leave your password as bigtitsrule."

Robbie choked back a laugh even as he was trying to process what she said.

"Ops, ma'am?" he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Occasionally in the field, you need someone to break security, black out cameras. And sometimes the bad guys have actual good security, we bring her in," Phil commented.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?" he asked. Skye was so small and fragile.

Her smile sharpened a little. "Well, I'm a little dangerous."

"Skye is a certified black belt in judo and karate, and has done sniper and gun training with Navy SEALs and has won international competitions," Phil said mildly. "But feel free, any of you to challenge her."

Robbie shook his head. 

"I could use a throw down," Maria said.

"Hell, yeah," Skye answered.

"Oh I want to see this," Johnny muttered.

Everyone went to the gym and Maria and Skye changed into workout clothes.

Robbie was a bit worried. Sure Phil had said all that stuff, but come on there was a difference between training and actually using it.

Maria and Skye took to the mat and Phil came up beside Robbie. "Hey there."

"Hi, sir," Robbie said, not taking his eyes off Skye. Her workout clothes were very nice. So was her ass.

"You need to let us know your favourite breakfast foods," Phil continued. "If you are going to be staying over lots."

"Think we'll use my apartment a little more," Robbie answered. The twins had shown up beside the bed twice more when he had stayed over. He watched Maria strike out and Skye move easily. And god they were just moving hard and Skye was so fluid and just goddamn he wanted to spar with her.

"You want a piece don't you?" Phil said. "Sparring is the best foreplay. My wife, she kicks my ass. She's the one who helped train Skye you know. Those black belts, done in only two years of practicing."

"That's impossible," Robbie said. He watched Skye flip Maria to the mat.

"Not for Skye, she wants to learn it, nothing stops her," Phil was watching her with pride. "She just absorbs information, makes it a part of her being."

"Smart chicas are the best," Robbie whispered.

"They are," Phil agreed. 

They watched Skye pin Maria and Maria tap out.

"I'm not going to threaten you, you know," Phil said. "I mean sure I pretty much have an army at my finger tips, I have killed countless people and slept like a baby, and have resources to make you disappear like you wouldn't even believe."

"That sounded pretty threatening," Robbie answered.

"That was just facts. But she has decided to trust you, and I won't disrespect that," Phil said. He turned his head a bit to look at Robbie. "And besides, you fuck up, she'll fuck you up. I don't need to do a damn thing beside maybe hold her coat. She lives in a world where all the men are completely owned by the strong women they are with, and expects the same in her life. Hope you are okay with that." Phil nodded at him and went to help Maria up.

Skye came over sweaty and powerful. "Hey."

"Hey," Robbie answered. He wanted to lick the salty drops off her abs.

"Going to take me out for a burger for lunch?" she asked.

Before he could say yes, Johnny was coming up behind her to scare her, or something. Robbie was going to yell but she just turned and with three moves had him on the ground and crying for mercy. She let him go. "Maybe a milk shake too," she said thoughtfully.

Robbie looked at her. "How professional do we have to be right now, because I really want to kiss you."

Skye gave him that wink of hers and pulled him into a hard kiss. "Vanilla milk shake. You're paying, let me go get changed."

Robbie had never been owned by a woman before. 

But he was pretty sure that he was going to be just fine with that happening.

 

 


	6. Melinda doesn't do sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the family except Melinda fall ill. She does not cope well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set a couple of months after the wedding

"I don't understand," Melinda said, staring at Kitty Pryde.

"The twins are sick," Kitty answered. "Looks like the flu."

"They had flu shots."

"And they help, but that doesn't mean your kids won't get sick," Kitty looked at her. "Melinda, are you pale? You just need to take them home, they'll be fine in a couple of days." Melinda didn't move. "Should I call Skye?"

"I don't know what to do with 6 year olds who are sick," Melinda said quietly.

"Just do what you do for yourself when you get sick, just with more Disney movies," Kitty said.

"I don't get sick."

"Everyone gets sick."

"I don't," Melinda took a deep breath and stood up. "Right. Troops to home, then." She walked out of her office and told Jemma that she was gone for the rest of the day.

She went to the nurses office and saw her kids looking pale and sweaty and holding garbage cans.

"Mama, my tummy is being mean," Clint said pathetically.

"Mine too," Tasha agreed.

"Let's get you home." Melinda picked up Clint when he held his hands up. He smelled unpleasant but she held him close. She got them into their booster seats in the car and drove home. When they were a block away the noise started from the backseat. "Wait, just wait." But little children stomachs don't listen to scary librarian voices and soon they were sick over themselves and the car. Melinda shuddered in revulsion. She pulled in the driveway and opened the doors. Clint started to cry.

"I'm sorry, Mama," Clint's lip quivered.

"It's okay, let's get you two inside," Melinda said. She would deal with the car later. Clint was a little worse off so she got him into the shower first and then switched them out. She put them both in pajamas and settled them in front of the tv with buckets and a movie. She texted Skye and Phil to get their asses home to help out and went to deal with cleaning the car. Melinda really hoped that Phil and Skye would be home soon, she loved her kids but didn't think that she could cope.

When the car was clean she went back in and cleaned the buckets because the kids had been sick at least twice more. Luckily they were asleep, she hoped maybe the worst had passed. But by the way Skye went running through the house, hand over her mouth, she figured she was wrong.

Phil pulled Melinda into a quick kiss. "Twice on the ride home we had to pull over."

Melinda looked at him. "I'd be an asshole if I checked into a hotel until the house was plague free, wouldn't I?"

Phil nodded. "Yup."

Melinda nodded. "You are on sick duty, I'm having a shower and running to the grocery store."

"Sounds good." Phil settled on the couch where the twins were starting to wake up.

Melinda went and knocked on the powder room door. "Skye, sitrep."

"I missed," came the forlorn voice. "I'll clean it up."

"Phil can help," Melinda said swiftly and ran upstairs. She had done enough. After the great Maria influenza crisis during her MLS she had avoided sick people. They were gross. And now three of her four were out of commission. This was not good.

Melinda had a shower and got the smell of sick off her and then went to the grocery store. She took her time buying pedialyte and gatorade, soup and crackers and a couple comic books for everyone. After an hour she figured, she figured that she better head home. Hiding was weak.

Melinda walked in the house and swore in Chinese and English. 

Phil looked up from the ground where he too was now clutching a bucket. "I'm sorry honey," he managed to say before being sick. It set off a domino effect and soon all four were making horrific sounds. 

"It's like the goddamn exorcist in here," Melinda said. She hurried to the kitchen and put everything away and grabbed her phone. Maria was too swamped with work, so she called Tony and Pepper.

"Melinda, can't talk," Pepper said instead of hello.

"Everyone is sick here. I can't take care of two sick adults and sick twins, not by myself," Melinda said swiftly. "Help me Pepper, please." Melinda was not above begging. 

"Call in a SHIELD nurse," Pepper said. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what, you are their godmother!" Melinda yelled.

"Tony get your ass back to bed, before I taze it. Don't think I won't, Phil gave me a lovely purple one for my last birthday!" Pepper shouted. 

"I just need to check some numbers!" Tony shouted, or tried to shout before he started hacking.

"You threw up on DUMM-E and JARVIS is dealing with a crying robot who thinks you don't love him anymore."

"Of course I love DUMM-E, how could he think that?" Tony started to cry himself.

"Shit," Pepper said. "I think they all caught it at that indoor playground. You want to switch, I'll take your four, if you take Tony."

"Goodbye Pepper, godspeed." Melinda quickly hung up. She thought about her options. Nick was in England and Fitz had a weak immune system so she couldn't drag Jemma and Fitz into this.

Melinda stuck her head out and looked at her family. Calling in a SHIELD nurse would be effective, but Phil would hate it. Melinda had to man up and take care of them all by herself.

She hit 5 and her phone rang. "Mom, please deploy," she begged. "And fast."

"Liu, Melinda needs us, haul ass!" Grace hung up without another word.

Melinda heard someone throw up and groaned. She could do this.

*********************

It was dawn and Melinda was exhausted. She was on the sixth load of laundry and everyone was whiny and crying and oh god how could anything be left in their systems at this point?

The house smelled, they all smelled. It was just, she was barely holding on by a thread. This was just too much.

There was a quiet knock on the door and she ran for it.

"Mom," she said in relief. Melinda had no problems collapsing against her dad. "You guys came."

"Of course we did," Grace said. "Now, what's up?"

"Flu."

Grace's face went from concerned to angry. "The flu? That's it? We were sure someone was in the hospital!"

"If Clint doesn't keep some pedialyte down soon, it might be a trip to emerg," Melinda said. She pulled her parents in so that they could see the disaster zone of the family room. "This is not just the flu."

Grace looked at the four miserable people. "Oh, my darlings," she said.

Clint looked up at her. "My tummy is trying to stage a revolution and leave my body." He started to make the noise again. Melinda flinched, that noise was just killing her. Grace made it in time to rub his back as he was sick. 

"Oh little one, Granny is here. I'll take care of you."

"Mama's been trying hard," Clint said.

"I'm sure she has, but even the strongest people need help sometimes, right? And that's what we're here for."

"Colonel Grandpa, court martial my tummy," Natasha said. She held up her arms for him.

Liu swiftly went over and picked her up. It must be bad if the little girl wanted cuddles.

Phil groaned from the floor. "Liu, kill me. Make it quick."

"You don't need to kill me, I see the reaper standing there, just waiting for me," Skye offered. She started to moan in pain and Melinda flinched.

"Melly, go have a shower and take a nap," Liu said. "We've got this."

"Thank you Daddy," Melinda said. She looked at them all. "I love you so much," she told them. And then ran away upstairs to just get a break.

The shower felt good, and the nap felt better.

She felt like shit for abandoning her family. Phil must be so disappointed in her. Melinda went downstairs and the house smelled fresh, and like her mom's hot and sour soup. She went to the kitchen and saw her mom cutting vegetables, several pots on the stove. 

"Full strength," Grace said pointing at one. "Sick people," she said pointing at another. She threw some things into the pots.

"How is everyone?" Melinda asked. She checked the tea pot on the counter and poured some out for herself.

"Good. The twins are snuggling your father. Skye is napping and Phil is sitting up and trying to pretend he's doing work, but he keeps nodding off." Grace smiled. "No one has been sick for an hour."

Melinda leaned against the counter. "I'm a horrible mother and wife."

"No dear, that is your Aunt Nuo."

"She left her family to become a professional gambler. That's who I'm better than? Jeez, Mom." Melinda glare a little.

"You are," Grace stirred a pot. "She left, you didn't."

"I thought about it," Melinda admitted. "I...it was just so much."

"Honey, four people being violently ill, would be too much for most people," Grace said calmly. "You were exhausted and called in help. There is nothing wrong with that."

"I should be able to take care of them, right? That's the job," Melinda protested.

"And you were doing that. Doing it well too, from the sounds of it." Grace wiped her hands clean and came over and cupped Melinda's face. "Stubborn girl, you are still new to this job and called in for backup when it got overwhelming. That is what any smart person does."

"Sick children are so gross," Melinda whispered. "What mom says that?"

"Every mother, I promise you," Grace said. "You haven't had the years of diapers and teething and milk puke to build up your immunity to how gross little children are. They are walking haz mat factories."

Melinda laughed a little. 

"There you go, now eat some soup." Grace went and got her a bowl. "Once the sick stops you deal with the worst part. People who are mad that they aren't better already."

"Oh joy," Melinda said. She hummed in pleasure at the soup. "Am I a good mom?"

"Would my girl be any less?" Grace countered.

Melinda nodded and finished her soup. 

******************************

Liu smiled at his daughter. "I like Tangled."

"It is fun," Melinda agreed. She sat on the couch next to Phil who put his head on her shoulder.

"Hi," he whispered, throat raw from being sick. 

"Hi," she whispered back.

"Mama, I haven't puke in 2 hours!" Clint said happily from Liu's lap. 

"That's wonderful, baby," Melinda said. She looked at Natasha who had moved back to sitting by herself, which was a good sign. Skye was on the ground drinking a ginger ale which was also a positive.

"How about we watch The Sword in the Stone, that was one of your mother's favourites growing up," Liu said. The kids agreed easily.

"Mom made soup, you should eat some Phil," Melinda said to her husband.

"Tummy hurts," Phil whined.

"The soup will feel good on your throat," Melinda countered. "Trust me." She kissed his head. "I'll bring you a small cup to sip, okay?"

"Okay," Phil agreed but whimpered when he lost Melinda's warmth.

Melinda hurried to the kitchen and back and pressed the cup into his hands. Phil took a sip and sighed in happiness.

"See?" Melinda said.

He just stuck his tongue out at her. He managed half a cup before putting it down.

"Do you want a shower?" Melinda asked.

Phil nodded. "Too weak to stand though and I hate baths." He made giant puppy eyes at her.

"Yes, I'll help you," she stood and pulled him up with her.

"Daddy's probably too sick for shower tickle time, Mama. The laughing and moans he makes might make him puke again," Clint said earnestly.

"Shower tickle time?" Liu looked at his daughter and son in law and watched Melinda blush for the first time in her life. He winced as he clued in. "No. Not while I'm here." 

"Of course not," Melinda said swiftly. "Just helping him, like I helped the two of you."

"So he doesn't drown," Natasha said.

"Exactly." Melinda helped Phil up to the bathroom and stripped them both down and they stood under the spray, Phil leaning on the wall.

"You could do a little tickling," Phil tried to wink but both eyes fell shut, he was so tired.

Melinda just gently soaped him down and washed his hair. "I'm sorry, Phil."

"For what? Are you feeling sick?" Phil managed to open his eyes and he looked worried.

"No, for not being able to handle it alone." Melinda kissed his cheek and turned the water off. She dried herself quickly and then bundled Phil up. "I feel like -"

"If you say any form of the word failure, I'll kick your ass."

"You can't kick my ass at full strength," Melinda got him his favourite Captain America pajamas.

Phil managed to give her a sharp poke in the side. "My Melinda is never a failure." Another poke. "You are amazing." He yawned as she buttoned the top. "Calling in back up just made sense. Skye and I barely manage when the twins are sick. And you had to deal with all four of us. Though why didn't you call Pepper?"

"I did, Tony's sick too." Melinda laughed when Phil made a sign of the cross. "Yeah she'll deserve a medal after that."

Phil hugged Melinda. "Thank you for taking care of us."

"I'll get better at it," she promised. 

"You are already great at it," Phil's words were slurring from exhaustion.

"Let's tuck you into bed." Melinda guided him to their bed and settled him in.

"Read to me?" 

"Sure," Melinda agreed. She heard footsteps and waited for Clint and Natasha to crawl up on the bed. "You want to hear a story too?"

Clint nodded and snuggled up against her. 

"Don't start without me," Skye said, slowly making her way in. She curled herself into the reading chair in the corner.

Melinda grabbed her tablet and tapped the screen. "The Hostile Hospital," she said and began to read. All four were asleep within 10 pages. Melinda looked up and saw her parents standing in the door. She smiled at them and slowly extracted herself from her family.

Liu hugged her. "See, you've got this."

"Thanks, Dad."

"I'm going to make more food," Grace said. "Stock your fridge with prepped meals, they'll be hungry tomorrow." 

"Chess?" Liu asked.

"Sure, Dad," Melinda agreed.

Maybe she hadn't done as bad at taking care of her family as she thought.


	7. Tony Babysits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We actually go far back into the past with this chapter and the first time Tony is left alone with the twins.   
> This takes place just after Audrey has died.

"Pepper, this is a bad idea," Tony said. "Nick is helping him, he's good."

"He isn't good, and Nick got called to the London office," Pepper explained. She waited for Tony to get out of the car. And started poking his ribs when he didn't move. "Tony, he's your friend and he needs help."

"Agent isn't our friend," Tony automatically protested. Pepper just gave him a look. "Okay, so maybe he's sort of a friend. A bit. Not like a Rhodey friend, but -"

"Tony we're godparents to those children."

"He just felt bad that my heart got all shitty before he could rescue me," Tony rubbed at his pacemaker scar.

Pepper was fed up. "I'm going in there, and I am going to hug Phil and make sure he showers and then at the very least goes for a walk. Your help would be appreciated. Or, you can stay in the car scared of 13 month old babies."

"Not scared," Tony muttered and finally got out of the car. They walked up the steps and knocked on the door.

"Oh, Phil," Pepper said after taking one look at him.

"Hi, Pepper, it's not so bad," Phil said. His scruff was bad, his eyes red, and shoulders slumped.

Pepper stepped in the house and just hugged him and rubbed his back. "It's not good," she said.

"I cleaned out Audrey's clothes, donated them all. The closet is empty but still smells like her."

"Phil, you don't have to rush this," Pepper said. "It's only been a month."

"I know me, if I don't do it. I won't." He turned swiftly as a noise came from the play yard. He managed to smile. He walked over and picked up Clint who was trying to break out. "Clint, we've talked about this."

"Da!" Clint smiled and patted his cheeks. "Ou."

"Ow?" Tony asked. "Did he hurt himself, do I need to call an ambulance?" He pulled his phone out.

"Out and in breakout, as in this kid will not stay where you put him. A born adventurer." Phil nuzzled him a little.

"I like bold men," Pepper said and she held out her arms. Clint tried to fling himself into them. "Hello Clint."

"Hi!" Clint said happily. "ashie ou," he babbled.

Phil was picking up Natasha who had successfully got out and was crawling towards Pepper's bag on the ground. 

"No," she said mid-air.

"That is the only word she is saying right now, isn't it sweetie," Phil hugged her.

"No."

"Tony, want to hold her?"

"No," Tony and Tashie said in perfect sync. Tony scowled at her and she scowled back. Pepper tried not to laugh. Clint poked her face and when she beeped he giggled and did it again.

Phil put Tashie in the exosaucer. "Thank you for coming by," he said.

"Go shower and go for a walk. We can manage an hour without you," Pepper insisted.

"No we can't," Tony said quickly. Pepper walked over and kicked him in the ankle. "What? We have no experience."

"You have no experience. I bought a car off of babysitting money when I was 18," Pepper replied.

"And how long ago was that?" Tony asked. He wilted under the look that Phil and Pepper gave him. "I mean, yeah Phil, go shower. We'll do great," Tony smiled.

"So comforting," Phil said. But he trusted Pepper and went to shower. 

Clint reached for Tony and Pepper held him out. "I can't," Tony said helpless. Clint's lip quivered. "Pepper, it's making a face."

"He likes you."

"He's met me what half a dozen times?" Tony shrugged. 

Pepper shook her head and sat on the couch. Tashie scooted her saucer over. Pepper touched the girl's wispy hair. "Beautiful."

"No."

"Sorry kid, Pep's right you are gorgeous," Tony said. He knew you were supposed to praise babies so they don't become serial killers. He looked at Clint. "You are good looking too." Tony sat down and Clint crawled onto his lap.

"Hi!" Clint said and waved.

"Hi," Tony sort of waved back. "What do I do with you?"

"Moo."

Pepper laughed at Tony's face. "You heard him. Moo."

"I am not mooing," Tony said.

"Moomoomoomoomoomoomoo," Clint said and tried to fall of Tony's lap.

"No daredevil on my watch!" Tony shouted. 

"He is trying to get to his farm pop up toy," Phil said coming down the steps. He looked a tiny bit better. "I'm just walking to the Starbucks four blocks away. I can run home in 4 minutes."

"Or you could just have a cup of coffee in the backyard," Tony suggested. 

"Go, Phil, we'll be fine," Pepper said. She was pressing buttons on the saucer for Tashie.

Phil nodded and left.

Both kids immediately started crying.

Tony panicked. "We broke them already!"

"Or they are still missing their mom and are scared Daddy will disappear too." Pepper picked up Tashie who was just screaming no over and over. "Hush, little one, Daddy will be back in one hour. We have you safe and warm." Pepper began to sing, low and smooth.

The twins stopped crying and just stared at her. Tony did the same. Pepper never sang, like he had heard it twice in all the years he knew her. When Clint held up his arms, Tony didn't think and picked him up and cuddled him. Pepper stopped and they started to cry again. So she started another song. Tony actually knew this one and didn't think, but joined in on the chorus. When Pepper smiled at him, he stumbled a little.

His heart also went thump and for a second he worried about his pacemaker but the thump was just Clint's head falling against him. Tashie cuddled more into Pepper.

They sang another song together and the twins drifted off into a light nap.

"See, not so hard," Pepper whispered.

"You are magic. You put a whammy on them," Tony ran a gentle hand over Clint's hand. "You are great with kids. You want some?"

"I have you," Pepper smiled.

"Har har," Tony said. But he frowned. "Is that all you see me as - a troublesome child?" He had been trying for months to figure out how to properly ask her out and failing. She was Pepper, she deserved better than him. He was changing sure, but still she deserved better.

Pepper deserved everything.

"I see you as so many things Tony, things you couldn't fathom."

"Is that good or bad?" Tony asked.

"Tony," she looked at him. "When you are ready, I'm going to say yes."

"Might still be a few more months, you know what a coward I am."

"No, that is not what I think of you. You are so very brave," Pepper said. 

"What if me asking, breaks what we have?"

"Tony, if me having to bail you out after that orgy didn't break us, us going out on a date certainly won't."

"Don't say orgy in front of the babies," Tony hissed. He looked down at them. He bit his lip. "They are perfect."

"They are."

"We should help more. Godparents should be around shouldn't they?"

"They should," Pepper agreed.

Tony nodded. "I'm going to build them some robots."

"Make sure Clint's moos."

"I will," Tony said. He lifted Clint a little higher on his chest and kissed Clint's head. "We're here for you, kid."

"Ony," Clint said and fell back asleep.

"Shit, did you hear that Pep, he said my name."

"If I can't say orgy, you shouldn't say shit," Pepper said.

"Crap," Tony said. "Oh fuck me, oh god that is more swearing."

Pepper leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You'll get the hang of this."

"Of course I will, I'm Tony Stark, I have a fast learning curve." He started to sing softly again to the sleeping twins.


	8. Phil and Pepper Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Chapter 10 of The More We Get Together - Tony is teased about the fact that Phil and Pepper have kissed. He has no idea if it is true or not. It is and here is what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set about 2 months after the previous chapter.

The twins were asleep and Phil was pouring himself one scant whiskey, that he desperately needed. Molars were coming in and the twins were in pain and making sure everyone knew it. They were so advanced in everything else, but the teeth were taking forever to finish coming in. He sat on the couch and just rested his head back and enjoyed the silence. He thought about putting the t.v. on, but that could wait. He put his feet up and just sighed and sipped the drink.

There was a quiet knock at the door and he groaned. If it was Nick, he was going to punch the man, he had three more weeks of leave, no matter how the man kept 'accidentally' leaving paperwork at the house. Phil opened the door and there was Pepper, in jeans and a sweatshirt, hair in a scruffy ponytail. "Hi, Pepper," he said, a little confused. "Were there plans?"

She shook her head and looked heartbroken. Phil hustled her inside and sat her on the couch and gave her the whiskey which she knocked back easily.

"I'll get another," he said and he went and poured them both a couple fingers. He came back and sat beside her on the couch.

Pepper turned the t.v. on and flipped through the channels until it landed on some sort of awards show. Phil had no idea why they were watching it, but then it panned the crowd and he saw Tony sitting beside some actress he was sure he should know the name of.

"Tony had created some of the tech for the movie, a favour for an old friend, and it was nominated for all sorts of awards. He had promised to go. He said he didn't realize they wanted him to go with the lead actress. He offered to back out. I said no," Pepper explained. She took another gulp of the whiskey.

"But that hurts," Phil said, as Tony kissed the actress's cheek.

"He so easily went out to play his part, and he can't even ask me out to coffee," Pepper said. "I do all his work, and give him everything, things he doesn't even see, and then merrily send him along with another woman, because I hate myself." Pepper finished her glass and held it out to Phil. He just switched it for his mostly full one. "Why doesn't he ask me out, Phil?"

Phil turned the t.v. off. "Pepper, why don't you ask him out?"

"Because he'll say yes."

Phil turned on the couch to look at her more fully. "Isn't that what you want?"

Pepper shook her head. "Everyone has always chased him, and he just falls in line, because that is easier, because that is what he always has done. Do you know how little Tony has actually chosen for himself? Everything is always brought to him, and he secretly hates it, but doesn't know how to stop it. We would fall in together and it would work, but it wouldn't work all the way." Pepper felt a tear fall and hastily wiped it away. "I'm always Pepper, always there. I just want him to look at me once, like he does his robots." She laughed sadly.

Phil cupped her cheek. "You are astonishing, you know. So beautiful, inside and out. A peerless mind, competence, warmth, legs that go forever. You know the first time she met you, Audrey said that she would happily abandon me for the chance to lick her way up your legs. Learned a lot about my wife that night."

Pepper laughed.

Phil gave her a fond look. "You are inimitable Pepper, and Tony knows it. He just is terrified of reaching for happily ever after. It's never been something that he thought was for him."

Pepper looked at him. "I know, I do. But tonight, my heart hurts."

"Do you need me to call a friend for you?" Phil asked.

Pepper rolled her eyes a little. "I am with a friend." She shrugged. "Tony never left me time for a lot of friends. And I never minded really, I like the work. I love the work, and people are annoying."

"They really are," Phil agreed. "Do you need another drink?"

"I do, what about you?" 

Phil said, "I can have one more." It would only be his second drink, Pepper having taken most of his.

Pepper had a fourth whiskey and Phil had a second and they watched some Netflix. Eventually a fairly steamy sex scene came on and Pepper tilted her head a little. "God I miss sex."

Phil blinked. "Oh we're that kind of sharing friend are we?"

Pepper giggled a little bit. "It is really nice whiskey. 9 months Phil, 9. Do you know how many sets of batteries I've killed in my vibe?"

"Three," he said after a moment.

Pepper looked at him in awe. "How did you know that?"

"I have this weird superpower where I know how objects drain batteries. Always could guess when the tv remote batteries were going to die."

"Silicone isn't the same as flesh," she said mournfully. She then looked at Phil. "Oh god, I'm so sorry, your bone partner is dead." Her eyes widened even more. "That was the worst thing I could have ever said."

Phil laughed at Pepper not being perfect, it was sort of delightful. "I miss sex sure, but I miss kissing more. Audrey had thin lips, but so soft, she spent a fortune on lip balms. She had a thousand different kisses you know. Ones that said, hello, and goodbye, and I love you. Kisses are so much better than sex when you think about." Phil sighed a bit.

He had no idea what to do with the lap full of Pepper Potts he all of a sudden had. His hands automatically went to her hips, tipping over his glass. Her mouth was on his, hungry and desperate. She tasted of whiskey and lipstick. He didn't think, just responded and pushed his tongue into her mouth. It felt so good, he loved french kisses so much. He licked and kissed and for a moment forgot all his hurt. But when they stopped, Phil remembered exactly who they were.

"I bet you are great at going down on a woman," Pepper said, leaning her forehead.

Phil smiled. "I really am."

"We could -"

"We could," he agreed.

Pepper slid off his lap and he wrapped an arm around her. They sat in silence for a while. "Love sucks," she said finally.

"So much."

"If you weren't recently widowed and I wasn't in love with an idiot genius, would you go on a date with me?" Pepper asked.

Phil thought about it. "I would. We would go for a dinner at a small but well reviewed restaurant, and I would take you to that exhibit at the Met. We would walk around and talk about paintings and sculptures and at the end of the night I would drive you home and kiss you at your door."

Pepper smiled and leaned against him. "What would happen then?"

"More dates, we would take the kids around in double strollers, and have coffee and laugh. Eventually I would them back to the city, because you weren't meant for this town, and they would go to the best day cares and have the best nannies. We would spend the little spare time we had together and lament that our jobs don't give us more time." Phil kissed her head. "After a respectable time we would get engaged, and then married. We'd honeymoon at one of Tony's island villas because he'd shower you with everything you could ever want, because he would want you to be happy."

"Would we be happy?"

Phil hummed a little. "We'd be content. And eventually we'd be strangers who happen to live together and are raising the twins. More affectionate colleagues than true love."

"It could be enough, it would hurt less than this," Pepper whispered.

"It would, I'm tired of hurting. I like being married, even if I wasn't as good at it as I should have been." Phil looked over at the mantle where there was a photo of him and Audrey. "I loved her so much."

"I love Tony so much," Pepper said.

"He'll ask you out. And that kiss we just had, was good, it was great, but it will pale to what it feels like the first time you two kiss." Phil grinned a little. "Just maybe wear flats for your first few dates, so he isn't too intimidated."

"I'm going to wear the four inch heels," she countered. "He has a kink."

Phil found that hilarious and laughed horribly loudly before slapping a hand over his mouth, but it was too late. Tashie started wailing. "I need to go up."

"Can I help?"

"It would be appreciated," he said. He went up and cuddled Tashie and Pepper picked up Clint who started to fuss in sympathy.

They worked together well, settling the twins back down.

"I would have been a good stepmother to them," Pepper said after she kissed Clint. "But I'm going to be an even better Auntie Pep Pep."

"Auntie Pep Pep?" Phil asked.

She shrugged. "I like the sound of it."

"Fair enough," he said. "I have a guest room, you should use it tonight, not letting you drive after those drinks."

Pepper bit her lip. "I know it is too much. It was your bed with your wife, but -"

Phil nodded. "I could use the comfort too," he said. He went and found her some of his old sweats and they settled into his bed and cuddled close. "You have so much happiness waiting for you Pepper, it is going to blow your mind." He kissed her hair.

Pepper snuggled in close. "You'll be happy again too."

"I have my twins, they are my heart. And I have very good friends. And I once had a woman who smiled at me like I was the perfect ice cream cone on a hot summer day. I'm good." 

Pepper nodded a little, understanding. "I am glad we have become friends," she whispered.

"Me too," Phil said. "And trust me, I am going to hold the memory of being kiss attacked by the gorgeous Pepper Potts as a personal favourite."

"You really are great with your tongue," she said. "I have a feeling Tony will be better with his fingers."

Phil snorted a bit and they fell asleep. When he woke up at dawn, she was gone, a note just saying  _thank you_ left on the pillow.

Two weeks later when he got a text saying that Tony had asked her finally on a date, Phil couldn't have been happier.


	9. Quake & Ghost Rider Take the Kids to the Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is after Skye and Robbie have been dating 6-9 months. Skye is 25, Robbie 35, the kids around 8

"Hey babe, whatcha doing this weekend?" Skye asked, adding lunch to the kid's backpacks.

"Well, you I hope," Robbie said.

"Har har, that's a given," Skye answered. She moved the phone away from her mouth. "Not those sunglasses Clint, they clash with your shirt, go for the purple rhinestone ones, and come get your and Tashie's backpack. Melinda is leaving without you in 20 seconds."

Robbie could hear shouting and mad scrambles. He hadn't spent much time around Skye's family yet, they all still terrified him. And every time he slept over at her place, he woke up to their eyes staring at him. Twins were creepy enough as it was. He was sure the girl was trying to kill him with her mind.

"There is a show in the city, we could go see," he offered. "Maybe get a hotel room?"

"Nah, the fair is in town this weekend!" Skye shouted.

"I know, a few guys drew the short straw and have to go," Robbie was relieved Hill said he didn't have to walk around it at all.

"Oh," Skye said. "You don't like fairs?"

"Rigged games, overpriced food, cheap theatrics, and rides likely to kill you?" Robbie snorted. "No thanks."

"Right," she said. "Okay then, see you next weekend."

"You like fairs?" Robbie was surprised. "Would have thought you would have gotten sick of them as a kid. Your parents probably took you all the time." He had no doubt Skye had been spoiled rotten.

"Yeah, orphans who end up on the street, don't really get a lot of fair time," Skye said. "So I'll be taking Clint and Tashie by myself then."

Shit, he thought. "You never talk about your childhood."

"Because it was crap," Skye was blunt. 

"I'll go. You and me," Robbie said. "Won't complain once."

"You mean you, me, and the twins."

"How can I ride the tunnel of love with you, if the twins are there?"

"I know you are avoiding them, and I can get that, not everyone is a kid person. But it is simple, you want this relationship to keep going, you need to spend time with them, because they are a part of my life. A big part and that will never change."

Robbie took a breath. "Okay, the kids too. I'll pick all of you up at 6 on Saturday?"

"Okay."

"Chica, is this a test?" he asked.

"No, it is just bringing all my worlds together to see if they fit."

"Tashie hates me," he said.

"No, she hates that you might take me away," Skye answered. "See you Saturday."

**************************

"Are you in combat gear?" Robbie asked Tashie stunned. "Are those fatigues?" The little girl was in a black t-shirt, black fatigue pants and combat boots. And freaking tiny aviator sunglasses.

"Colonel Grandpa got them for me," she answered. "We are on a mission. I will be the owner of a fluffy unicorn stuffed animal before we leave the fair or else."

"The or else means we all will die," Clint said cheerfully. He was in jean shorts, a purple t-shirt and matching nails, a daffodil tucked behind his ear. "Hi, Robbie, I read the webpage, they have knife throwing and archery in the show, that's going to be the best."

"Not as good as fire breathing," Robbie said. It was the only thing he liked at fairs, was if they had a fire breather.

"Not as good as archery," Clint protested.

"Oh look a paleolithic tool, how exciting," Robbie said.

"Fire breathing, isn't actually breathing fire, it's -" 

"Well, glad we're off to a good start. I want cotton candy," Skye clapped her hands. "Let's go." 

Robbie started to walk to his car.

"We need the van," Tashie said. 

"Why? You can fit in the back," Robbie said.

"They are still a couple pounds short to get out of their booster bases," Skye explained. "Pain in the ass to transfer from my van to your car, so come on."

Skye opened the door and the twins scrambled in and Robbie sat in the front.

He was in a van, with two kids, in boosters. In the suburbs, going to the fair. He was pretty sure he needed to rethink his life decisions. He looked back at the twins and they were just staring at him. In that creepy, judgey way they did.

"So how was school?" he asked.

Natasha said something to him.

"Was that Russian?" he asked.

"Yup," Clint said. "I learned how to walk on my hands. And since I didn't have an incident with Wade for a whole week, I got extra archery time."

"Incident?"

"Neither Clint nor Tashie have broken federal laws for 3 whole weeks," Skye said proudly. "Last weekend there was an incident at the state level with Bruce, but Pepper bribed that away."

Robbie laughed a little. "So you guys role play children criminals? That's cute."

Tashie frowned at him. "If the C.I.A. didn't want their ops compromised, they shouldn't do bad ops with lazy security! I saved that team's life."

"Tashie, remember Uncle Nick said Robbie only has level 2 security clearance, we aren't supposed to talk about the interesting stuff with him yet, he's below us in rank." Clint smiled at Robbie. "You have tests if you want higher security clearance. Including marksmanship, I can help you if you need it."

"Hill is impressed enough with my range numbers," Robbie said. 

"She likes mine better," Clint said. "I'm going to go to the Olympics. Fire breathing isn't at the Olympics."

"Because all the girls dig the guys with archery medals. Fire breathing is cool," Robbie said.

"I don't want girls, I'm marrying Bruce," Clint said. "And he thinks my archery is neat."

Robbie blinked. "You're gay?" He winced when Skye hit him hard.

Natasha glared at him. "Is this a problem?" Her tone suggested he would die if there was.

"No, just never heard an 8 year old say so matter of factly that they were marrying someone."

"Why would I choose anyone else where there is a Bruce in the world?" Clint asked earnestly. "Why would you choose anyone else now that you know there is a Skye in the world? That's how it works right? You find the person who makes your heart go boom, and you make their heart go boom, and you have sex and get married and live happily ever after."

"I -" Robbie didn't know what to say, how to explain it was more complex than that and there were all sorts of relationships out there. He looked helplessly at Skye.

"I'm not having sex, it is stupid. I don't like being touched much. But the rest is good. My heart hasn't gone boom yet though," Natasha offered. 

"You might change your mind, you are 8, you might want to wait for puberty to decide that," Robbie offered.

"If Tashie says she doesn't want sex, then she doesn't want sex," Skye said and hit him again.

"I'm sorry!" Robbie shouted. "Who processes information like this? No kids I know have talks like this! I can't keep up." He was sounding desperate. "You are all insane. Kids talk about pokemon and school and I don't know super heroes or shit. Sports."

"I do wushu," Tashie offered.

"Captain America is dad's favourite," Clint smiled. "Would it help if we can pretend to be normal.  We just thought since you belonged to Skye, you were able to keep up, we're sorry. Engaging act normal protocols in 3, 2, 1." Clint sighed. "Are we there yet?"

"I like My Little Pony, and barbie, and never ever think about how to kill people," Tashie said.

"So, like, are you going to win me a stuffed animal?" Skye chimed in to Robbie. "Boyfriends who win you stuffed animals are sooooo cool and dreamy."

He had three separate commendations for bravery and he was terrified.

Two hours in at the fair and he was past terrified and heading towards upset. They had all kept it up. Skye wasn't saying anything sharp or clever, Tashie was acting like a girl and not like the future head of a secret government operation and Clint hadn't climbed anything to be upside down once. There was no Russian, no 'aw something no' and no Skye smacking his ass.

It sucked balls.

He had thought he hadn't spent much time around the kids, but it had been enough waking up to them staring at him, to seeing them around town, and just sort of being there, that this behaviour out of them was starting to hurt. And he realized that a fair could be really fun if the three of them were, well, the three of them. He looked over and saw a target game and it had fluffy unicorns as a prize. Skye had taken Tashie to the bathroom and he and Clint were waiting, Clint talking about pokemon.

"Hmmm, those targets are way too hard for me, never used a bow before. Clint you think you could help me out?" Robbie asked. "Tashie wanted a unicorn and I have to win something for Skye and frankly I can't do it as easily as you could."

"But I'm a normal kid, and my skills are on par with any 8 year old," Clint blinked innocently.

Robbie sighed and crouched down. "Look, I was wrong, and an idiot. Because all this sucks. So tell you what. You show me what you can do with those shitty, likely rigged suction cup arrows they have and I'll come over and show you how to fire breathe. And throw knives."

"Uncle Nick already showed me that, but I can't until I'm ten."

Robbie smiled a little. "What about a chain?"

"Huh?" Clint was intrigued.

"Anyone show you how to throw a chain like a whip? Because I can do that. And you can tell me all about your wedding plans with Bruce."

Some guys walked by and snickered and Robbie got up and blocked their view of Clint. "There a problem here?"

"No, just isn't that cute?" The one said sarcastically.

"It is, now keep it moving before I decide your insides would look cuter on the outside," Robbie snarled, protective. The guys hurried away.

Clint tugged at Robbie's leather jacket. "I could have taken them." Like taking down frat boy sorts was no big deal. But hell maybe to these kids it wasn't.

"Yeah, but -"

"But what?"

"No one's allowed to give you shit but me, right? That's what older brother's do," Robbie said. Because he damn well knew that Skye was as much their family as she was their nanny.

"We need to win the stuffed guys fast, Tashie is a slow peer in public but not forever. We could do it together?" Clint asked.

"Yeah we could," Robbie agreed.

Tashie and Skye came back and saw Clint and Robbie walking with half a dozen stuffed animals.

"My unicorn!" Tashie shouted. "Now I can bribe that idiot into supporting my run for class president!"

Robbie decided to ignore that. He bent low to Skye. "Fair maiden-"

"Ha that's a pun," Clint said. 

Robbie winked at him. "Skye, I won you 2 stuffed animals."

"There are six there," she pointed out.

Robbie shrugged. "So Little Hawk kicked my ass."

"You remember his nickname," Skye said. She held out her hands for the neon green monkey.

"Guess I do yeah. Little spider and little hawk, get into trouble and fly their way out again," he said. He looked at her. "I think you might make my heart go boom."

She smiled a little and hugged the stuffed animal.

"Are normal protocols over?" Tashie whispered.

"Yeah, think we broke him in," Clint whispered back.

Skye pulled Robbie close. "Did they break you?"

"You broke me with your first kiss, just catching up to it, mi corazon," Robbie kissed her hard. When they broke apart they realized the kids were gone. "Will they have run away to join the big show?" he asked.

"Likely," Skye said. "Let's go find them."

"I don't like kids," he said.

She looked a little sad. "I know and it's like a super deal breaker." She gripped his jacket tight.

"Near as I figure though, those aren't kids, those are super spies from an alternate universe shrunk down and trying to act like kids. I can deal with that." He tugged her hair a little. "I can totally learn to deal with that."

"Good."

**************************

The next weekend Robbie knocked on the door to the main house.

Phil answered.

"Uh...yeah, Skye said she would get you guys gone," Robbie babbled. "Jesus," he said. He was 35, a dad shouldn't make him an idiot.

"She lied," Phil grinned.

"I am here to teach Clint how to fire breathe," Robbie held up a bag with supplies.

Phil snorted. "Oh yeah, this is going to go great." He held the door open. "Welcome to the family, Reyes."

"Thanks," Robbie said dryly. "They are all insane you know."

"You are the one who keeps coming back, what's that say about you?" Phil asked.

Shit, Robbie realized, he was just as loony as this family. 

"There is no escape now," Phil said as he walked him through the perfectly suburban house. That had the building plans for Fort Knox taped to the wall with tsum tsums stabbed to it. 

They went out back and Skye had on jeans and a tank top that showed off her arms and she was laughing and swinging Tashie around. Clint was trying to run up Melinda and do backflips yelling "Caw Caw"

"Sanity is overrated," Robbie decided. "Yo, you ready to see how much better than you I am, little hawk?" he shouted.

Clint's smile was blinding and he ran over, ready to light the whole backyard on fire.


	10. 3 Father's Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we need some sap.

**Clint and Tashie age 4**

"We can help, Daddy," Tashie said. She held up a tiny sponge. "We can make Lola look really good."

"Yeah!" Clint had a bucket. "It's our father's day gift, for you. We'll wash Lola, and and and and and and take you out for milkshakes. We been saving. We have the money to buy yours, but you have to buy ours."

Skye tried not to laugh too much from where she was on the couch. She had helped them make cards as the ones they had done at school hadn't had enough pizzazz. Clint really liked purple glitter. Tashie's card had what she was sure was Phil standing on a pile of corpses.

"I would be happy to buy yours," Phil reassured them. "And Uncle Nick promised to be here at 3."

"Yay!" they both shouted. "He gets to celebrate 'An Honorary Uncle is Just as Good as a Father Father's Day," Clint added. "Wish Uncle Tony wasn't at that thingy."

"You mean the International Mechanics Expo?"

"Yeah, milkshakes with us is better," Clint said.

Tashie nodded in agreement and then held up the sponge and car soap. "We'll be super careful Daddy. We know Lola makes you think about Mommy." 

Phil smoothed their hair down and kissed them both. "I think you two washing Lola for me sounds like a wonderful father's day gift." He helped them with supplies and backed off and went inside when they scowled at him. He trusted them, he did. But that was Lola and she was special. Beyond her actual value, the sentimental value of her was immeasurable. He was about to send Skye to spy on them when they both heard a crash from upstairs and went to investigate. They swore at the shelves that had fallen down and the two cleaned up the glass.

**********************************

"Hey!" Nick called out when he walked in the house. "I want my milkshake!" he shouted. He heard a vacuum and went upstairs. "Phil?"

"Yeah, Nick, sorry we had an accident," Phil said looking up. "Are the kids done washing Lola out front?"

Nick stared at him. "Phil Lola isn't out front, neither are the kids."

Phil paled and shoved past Nick and ran out the front door. There were the buckets and cleaning supplies. No Lola.

No Clint.

No Tashie.

"Kids!" he shouted. He kept shouting and there was nothing shouted back. They hadn't disappeared since Skye.

And Lola gone too? Phil couldn't control his breathing, how did breathing work. He felt a hand on his back and reacted swiftly, aiming to kill but Nick easily deflected it.

"Trackers, Phil, you have trackers in their shoes, and I have about 20 guns in my car," Nick said.

Skye was tapping on her phone. "I got them," she said. They all got into the SUV and Skye shouted out directions as Phil checked weapons and Nick drove. They ended up at a gas station and there was a police car there next to Lola, Clint and Tashie sitting on the trunk of the cop car, and kicking their feet and drinking slushies while the officer talked to them. Phil barely managed to stash his gun under his jacket as he ran to them.

"Clint, Tashie, you are safe," he said stumbling to a stop next to them.

"Course we are," Clint was confused. "The ociffer let me mix three colours in the slushie."

"I went with just red," Tashie said. "Can we see your handcuffs again?" she asked the cop.

"Who kidnapped you?" Phil asked. He kept checking them over.

"Sir, we need to talk," the officer said. He smiled at the kids and then pulled Phil over. "Sir, why weren't you paying attention to your children?"

"Excuse me?" Phil glared at him. "I pay attention to my children."

"They drove the car here themselves. How did you not notice your children go missing with a 1960s convertible?"

"They were washing Lola as my father's day gift. I was going to hang out with them, but they wanted to do it themselves. I was about to send our nanny out to be with them, when some floating shelves fell off the wall and smashed glass everywhere. They must have left when I had the shop vac on and cleaning it all up. Once we realized they were gone, we checked in on the trackers in their shoes and here we are."

"Phil, you are going to want to hear this," Nick called out.

The officer and Phil went over and finally Clint and Tashie were looking worried.

Clint's lip wobbled. "Lola was low on gas, we just wanted to fill her for you," he said.

"We put her in neutral to leave, like Uncle Nick taught us for quiet escapes," Tashie added defensively. "We would have been back but the guy at the counter ratted us out to the fuzz."

"You don't have money," Phil said, remembering they had saved to buy his milkshake.

"Nu-uh, you always leave emergency fifty in Lola," Clint said. "Driving is hard," he added. "We were careful. I made sure to kneel so I could mostly see out the window and steer."

"And how did you?" Skye started to ask. "Tashie?"

"I was on the ground working the pedals. Really glad she's automatic. But we remembered everything from our driving lessons with Uncle Nick."

"Lessons, Uncle Nick?" Phil looked at his friend.

Nick scratched around his eye patch a bit. "Maybe they sit on my lap in the parking garage and we do some donuts sometimes," he said.

"And test the rockets," Clint added. He bit his lip when every looked at him. "We're in trouble aren't we?"

"So much trouble," Phil agreed. He looked at the officer. "I trust there are some fines?"

"I called it in and they were mostly impressed with your kids balls, so what should be half a dozen citations is down to one," he wrote a ticket and handed it to Phil. "And you have made me feel a lot better about my kid washing our dog with peanut butter. Happy Father's day," he said. Skye helped the twins off of the cruiser and the cop drove off.

Phil knelt and hugged the twins. "So much trouble. I was scared you were gone, gone."

Clint began to cry and Tashie was getting close. "We just wanted Lola perfect for you today."

"I don't need Lola perfect when I have you two, okay?"

They nodded and snuggled close.

"Come on, we'll get home in. Shit no car has your boosters," Phil realized. "Nick go back to the house. You too, Skye. You drive Lola home and bring back the family car. We'll wait here and have a talk."

"Holy shit, I'm driving Lola," Skye said stunned. "I can do this." She gulped and Clint gave her the keys.

Phil sat on the curb with the kids. "Your mom would have found this hilarious. After she skinned you alive."

"Yeah?" Clint leaned into Phil.

"Yeah," he agreed and he told them stories of their mom while they waited for the family car to be brought to them.

*************************************

**Bucky aged 7**

"Bucky what happened?" Steve asked. He had hurried to the school when he had gotten the call. Well as much as he could, he felt like a puppy too big feet. He was still adjusting to all the changes that had happened after his drug trial and putting on 80 pounds of almost pure muscles made him so ungainly. He was even less used to the looks people gave him now. Hungry looks where before there was pity and concern for his health. "You never get in trouble," he paused. "You almost never get in trouble."

"I might have..." Bucky bit his lip. "I might have caused a ruckus."

"A ruckus? Not a ruckus," Steve teased. The vice principal called them in and explained that Bucky had refused to participate in the class activity, which would be fine usually, but then he started working on an alternate project which interested a few other kids and then it sort of spiraled and 5 kids walked out of the class. If Bucky apologized to the teacher and class for creating a disturbance, all would be okay, otherwise it was a week of detention.

"I'll take the week," Bucky said immediately. "I'll take everyone's trouble if it keeps them out of it. They were just following my lead."

Steve smiled, proud as ever of how stand up his son was. "What was this revolt about anyways?"

"They were working on Mother's day crafts," the vice principal explained. "James had said that he wouldn't do that, and the teacher understood and said he could get a start on his homework."

"But I could have done an art project," Bucky said. "I don't see why I couldn't be creative even though I didn't have a mom to make anything for. So I sort of grabbed a bunch of supplies and started my own thing. And it turns out a couple others didn't have moms or just had the sort where they didn't want to make stuff for their moms. And when the teacher said we were taking art supplies away from the kids who matter. I sort of stole all the construction paper and glue and we all walked out into the hall and set up our own crafting zone."

"What did you make, Bucky?" Steve was curious. Bucky wasn't usually even interested in art that much. He was more into sports.

The vice principal handed the torn paper collage over to Steve. It said  _Happy Father's Day Prequel Day_.

Steve wiped a tear away. "It's great, kid," he whispered.

"Well, I mean I could have made you a Mother's Day card and you would have found it hilarious. But this felt better," Bucky shrugged. "Not apologizing."

"I know, you'll do your time."

"Being on ice ain't a big deal," Bucky joked.

The vice principal sighed a little. She thought the boy had a strong case and was going to talk to the teacher. "Three days, no punishment for the other kids."

"Thank you," Steve said sincerely. He looked at Bucky who gave his thanks too.

Bucky went back to class and Steve went back to the high school down the block that he taught at. He hung the picture up on his cubicle.

Most prequels sucked. But not this one.

*************************************************

**Bruce aged 12**

"What should I get Tony for Father's day?" Bruce asked Clint. They were hanging out in his room and reading comics. "What did you and Tashie get Phil this year?"

"Mama took us to the mall and we got him a Captain America body pillow to freak him out," Clint said immediately. "It is so creepy," he giggled. He was, of course, trying to read upside down. "And then Tashie really got him a nice book on the history of Pinkerton Detectives and I got him a sort of sciencey thing."

"You two aren't into science that much," Bruce said surprised.

"It is a mix of science and art," Clint sat up happy to explain. He grabbed his ipad and showed Bruce a photo. "I used mosaic tiles and that is supposed to be my dna and that is dad's dna and see how I made them circle and touch?"

"Okay, it's pretty cool, but he's your dad, the dna would match a little more than your pattern suggests," Bruce pointed out. He winced and waited for Clint to be upset with the critique. He didn't mean to make him upset.

"No, they don't match beyond you know all people matching. He's not our biological father. He and Mom 1 had to use a sperm donor, Dad's junk doesn't work right to make kids."

"He's sterile?"

"Yeah. We found out last year, I didn't tell you. I'm sorry," Clint said.

"It's pretty personal," Bruce said and touched his finger to Clint's.

"But I tell you everything, that's how relationships have strong foundations," Clint repeated what he had heard on a talk show. Clint smiled. "Anyways I wanted to show him that even though we're different, we joined you know? So I made that and Mama helped me frame it."

"It's gorgeous," Bruce said. "But none of that feels right for Tony?"

"Why don't you just blow something up together?" Clint suggested.

"We do that all the time," Bruce frowned. "But it should involve science."

"You'll figure it out," Clint said. "You're smart like that."

"Not so smart with people, not like you," Bruce smiled at him a bit. He wanted to make sure Clint always knew how much he valued him.

Clint grinned and went back to being upside down.

****************

"So, what are we doing today?" Tony asked. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. "I'm feeling...robots?"

Bruce shook his head. "I have a thing. But it's stupid."

"Science is never stupid." Tony went over to the table and paused. "Wait, why it is covered in a sheet?"

Bruce hit a button and the sheet was lifted away. There was an insane mess on the table, but it was organized.

"Is this a rube goldberg machine?" Tony walked around the table, and smiled gleefully.

"Spent the last three days making it," Bruce said.

"You don't like this kind of stuff, parlour tricks and waste of energy and blah blah blah, engineering is never as cool as beakers," Tony teased gently.

"But you love this kind of stuff, and Father's day is about making your dad happy," Bruce said. He couldn't quite look at Tony. "It's us."

Tony's throat felt thick. He hoped JARVIS was recording all of it. "I'm sorry?"

Bruce pointed at the end of the table near Tony and moved to the other side. "Just start the machine."

Tony looked and saw a sign that said TAP ME, with an arrow at a golf ball. He gently tapped it and the ball began to roll.

"You and me, we floundered and did all this flailing, our lives were needlessly complex, like this machine," Bruce said. They both watched it all work. "You're the top liquid, and I'm the bottom one there. They are fine on their own, neither knowing the other exists, but then chance, a one in a million chance," Bruce pointed and the machine cracked the bottle holding the top liquid up. "And they meet and they become something else. Something way cooler, more awesome than ever." The two liquids joined and began to glow. "We're fine things on our own, but we're better as a team." Bruce turned out the lab lights and they both stared at the bright blue glowing liquid.

"They're better together, right?" Bruce asked.

Tony tried to hide his sniffle in a cough. "Yeah, much much better," he agreed. He went over and didn't hug Bruce, but just put a gentle hand on his neck.

"Happy Father's day, Tony," Bruce said. "I also bought you a tie."

"Let's light it on fire," Tony suggested immediately.

"I built a small flame thrower."

 


	11. The World Turned Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...were you ever curious about Phil and Audrey?

"I'm sorry, doctor?" Audrey's voice squeaked a little.

Phil loved that squeak. It only happened in her voice when she was happy but really nervous about being happy. It was there the first time she asked him out. When she was named first chair for the philharmonic. There when he asked her to marry him.

And now.

Phil stared at the sonogram. "You are confirming that those two xenomorphs in there are in fact twins."

"Fraternal twins yes. When we fertilized and implanted with the troubles you have with the first three attempts, multiple implanted. And two took," the doctor smiled at them. "You are having twins."

Audrey reached out to the screen, but it was too far away. She smiled at the lumps. "The one on the left looks like you."

Phil kissed her hair. "It looks like something Sigourney Weaver would light on fire."

"Phil, that's your baby," she chided. "Doctor, are they healthy?"

"They are," he said. He pointed out a few things on the screen and printed off a couple copies. "See you in a month. We'll do another sonogram at 18-20 weeks."

They left in a daze and Phil automatically drove them to their diner. "I think you can have a second cup of coffee today," he said. He stared at the photo, kept counting to make sure one of them didn't disappear. "One, two," he kept whispering over and over.

"Phil -" Audrey thanked the waitress when she just brought over their usual order. "Phil, food."

"We will have to change the grocery budget. Four people makes a very different budget," he said. "I need to run some numbers."

"Phil, not a huge concern at the beginning if I am breast feeding," Audrey said. She waited. She knew more was coming.

"Oh god, two car seats, two cribs, two tiny little things that I am responsible for," Phil stared at her in a panic. "Do you know how much paperwork there is going to be? How am I going to cope watching two babies get their shots?"

"Well on that last one, I just sort of assumed you wouldn't come?" Audrey smiled at him. "I've seen you say, what that bullet I fished it out with a spoon and then sewed it up myself. And then throw up when they draw a little of my blood."

"It's different." Phil counted again just to be sure. "One, two."

"Two, Phil. Just think of how much the college applications will cost," Audrey sometimes liked to wind him up.

Phil stared at her stomach which at most looked like she had ate a whole pizza. "No, they'll be smart enough that colleges come begging. Solves the problem."

Audrey's grin was wicked. "What if they hate Captain America?"

"You wench!" Phil looked at her in horror. "Why would you even? What if they can heart you? What if they feel your words but misconstrue them? What if you just imprinted the words Hate Captain America on them?"

Audrey pulled out her phone and recorded the continuing rant and sent it to Nick and a few other people at Phil's office and some friends of hers. And then posted it on facebook as a baby announcement. It would work well. She dug into her pancakes.

**********************************************************

"Phil, calm down," Audrey said. "It's okay."

"It isn't," he protested. He moved his Starkpad and realized that didn't help him any. "Show me better."

"Oh good lord," she muttered. Audrey huffed a little and basically held her pad next to her face. "There, better?"

"Yes, hello Doctor," Phil said. 

"Phil, I really need to pee. Shut up and let the man get the first part done here," Audrey snapped.

"Sorry." Phil sat on the Shield plane, quiet as a mouse. The doctor took his reading and let Audrey run to the bathroom. She came back and settled in again.

"Now then," he said. "All the numbers look great, they both seem healthy."

"Audrey," Phil whispered. 

Audrey adjusted the pad so that he could better see the monitor.

"Toes. Look at the toes," he said. "Also...is the one?"

The doctor smiled and looked at Audrey, "Do you want to know?" 

"Yes," she said quickly. 

"It seems your daughter is hugging your son rather strongly," he said. "Now I can't guarantee, the girl moved behind the boy really quickly. But still I am about 90% sure it is a girl and a boy," he said. He and Audrey talked about growth and plans and Audrey cleaned her stomach off. Phil couldn't say anything. Audrey went out to the car and looked at Skype. 

"Phil, you okay?"

"They looked like they were protecting each other," he said. His voice was thick with tears. "They looked so -"

"I told you they were going to take after their father," she said.

"Audrey -" Phil shook his head.

"No," she said firmly. "No. Donor 3259DB02 is just that, those numbers. You are their father and that is it. And they are going to have your passion and protective streak, and your smile."

"I want them to have your eyes, you have the best eyes," Phil said. His pilot gave him an ETA and he had to let Audrey go.

When he was being driven to Stark's house his phone beeped and he had an email. Audrey had sent the sonogram photos. Phil knocked on the door and Pepper was there looking frazzled. "Ms Potts, Stark called in said there was an emergency in his system, that the team we had here in California couldn't fix."

Pepper paled a little. "He's in a mood," she warned.

Phil put his phone away. "What happened, a break in?"

"Agent!" Tony called out, sounding strained. Phil hurried in. "Stark, report." Phil said. He was reaching for his gun.

Pepper winced and glared at Tony.

"Report?" Tony was pouring a drink.

"The emergency that needed my personal touch," Phil said.

"Oh that, right." Tony waved his drink around. "The emergency is, your team is mean, with zero fashion sense. I like you more. You are more fun. So you should stay to be my personal security here."

"There is no breach in your security," Phil said slowly.

"No, I designed it. JARVIS wouldn't let anyone in the house, would you J?" Tony shouted.

"Of course not sir," the AI sounded tired.

Pepper came closer. "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't know he called in an emergency code until you were already half way here."

"You called me in, using your security codes, because you like my suits better than the team I personally picked out for you, from among the best I have trained?" Phil tilted his head a little.

"Yup, I pay the big bucks for you, you should be at my beck and call." Tony moved over to his couch. "So what's new with you Agent?"

Phil smiled a little and took off his jacket. It showed off the taser and gun that were both on his waist. "Well Stark, today my wife had her sonogram. I watched it all on the plane ride on Skype here. I couldn't be holding her hand when we found out we were having a girl and boy. Because you called in a level 3 threat emergency." Phil pulled out his phone. "Ms. Potts, would you like to see what my son and daughter look like?"

Pepper's glare at Tony was glacial. "I would Phil. And please do call me Pepper." She moved next to Phil. "Oh, Phil, look how they are hugging," she cooed.

"I know the one in back is the girl, and well you can see in front," he said.

"Beautiful," Pepper said. She walked over and kicked Tony. "I am going to the office. Don't even think about talking to me for 48 hours." She stalked out of the house.

Phil sat next to Tony who did look abashed. "Mr. Stark, it is my job to help keep you safe. And I will always perform that job to the best of my abilities. And if I had to I would without hesitation take a bullet for you," Phil said.

"I don't want that," Tony protested.

"I have no doubt there are many,  _many_ , people who want to shoot you. And I will stop them. But if you ever make me miss a family moment on one of your entitled whims again. I will taze you, sit on top of you and slice open very slowly every single major artery you have and finger paint in your blood. Do we understand each other?" Phil asked.

"Jesus fucking christ, I now get why the pirate said you were the scariest mother fucker on his staff," Tony stared at Phil in a mix of horror, fear, and awe.

"I am. And that will keep you alive. Unless I kill you myself." Phil stood up and put his jacket on. "I'm flying back to New York now."

"Agent," Tony looked at him. "Can I see?"

They looked at each other for a moment. Phil passed over his phone. Tony stared at the photo and didn't say anything just nodded and handed it back.

Two days later everything on their wishlist at Baby's R Us arrived at their door. Along with custom created mobiles that had cellos and captain america shields hanging from them.

**********************************************

Phil was rubbing Audrey's feet, her ankles were swollen and she had gotten big enough that she couldn't easily play her cello anymore. She had switched to a fiddle which she could play but was never happy with. But without playing music every day, she would die.

"Phil, we need to talk," she said softly.

"I am sorry darling, but we aren't naming a baby Ludwig," he smiled at her. But she wasn't smiling. "Audrey?"

"What happens if you die?" she asked.

He paused. "I won't die."

"You might," Audrey looked at him. "You aren't...when we were first married you were gone more than you were here. And the last two years, with the IVF and the pregnancy, you've been around a lot more. And I never minded, I had my life and you came home. But they are babies they need you more. And I know you take risks on some of the jobs. I know the dug a bullet out with a spoon wasn't a joke."

"To be fair it was a really sharp spork?" Phil offered.

"Phil."

"I've talked to Nick. I'm in charge of Stark, and a few other cases of his caliber. Most of which are based in the U.S. I've told him that Hand can handle Europe. I am hoping to be home 28 weeks of the year. Maybe up to 32. I've already looked into nanny services, and -" he took a breath. "My insurance policies have all been updated and increased a little." He kissed her big toe. "I won't die."

"You can't promise me that," Audrey said with a sad smile. "Only way would be to take that promotion Nick offered you and completely move behind a desk."

"Then I will do that," Phil said quickly.

"And hate every second?" Audrey shook her head. "I'm scared Phil. Scared that you'll leave me alone with them. That they won't know who you are, they'll only learn about you from stories and your comic book collection."

"I have really good tactical gear," he promised. "And Stark industries have given us a huge discount on weapons. I have the best defenses in the world on my side. It might take a long time sometimes, but I will always come home to the three of you." Phil knelt and kissed her stomach and then her heart and her lips. "I'm not going to leave you three alone."

"Promise?"

"Promise," he swore. And the next day he went into the office and worked with Nick to restructure his schedule more. He half took the promotion and went and bought the twins stuffed animals for their nursery.

********************************************

Phil sat in the hospital room and held his daughter. "Your nose is funny," he whispered to her. "But your brother's ears are funnier."

Audrey glared at him but then laughed. "So they are a little squished from sharing such a small room." She winced. "Ow, baby boy, easy there," she adjusted her hold a little. "Not sure how I feel about this," she admitted.

Phil looked at them. "You look like shit," he said.

"Well yes, two alive things stormed their way out of my vagina, Phil. How many hours start to finish, so yes I expect I look like shit. You do too, if it helps any. Haggard, which with the thinning hair, not a great combo." She stuck out her tongue at him. 

Phil grinned at her. "You are the most gorgeous creature I have ever seen in my life." 

"You've been beat out by these two," she said. She and Phil carefully switched the twins and he burped his baby boy. His hand spanned the whole of the baby's back. "You want to name him?"

"Clinton," he said immediately.

Audrey was surprised. "That wasn't on your list," she said.

"I can't tell you why," Phil looked out the window.

"Oh you want the name, you are telling me the reasoning," Audrey said.

"I was in a bar, tailing a guy, when your call came in. Parliament Funkadelic was on the jukebox," he admitted. 

"That is the stupidest thing, I have ever heard you say," Audrey told him. "And if I let you have that, you damn well let me have Natasha for her because I have a Rocky and Bullwinkle lunch box for work."

"Deal," Phil said immediately. He went and carefully sat beside her bed. "They are so tiny."

"They're perfect."

"They are," Phil kissed her forehead, leaned against her. "I love you so much, Audrey."

"Oh Phil," she smiled. "I love you too."


	12. The Coulsons on Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas prompt where May and Phil take the twins ice skating???? Please include my baby Skye

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Melinda asked them. "It's not that strange. All kids did sports."

"Mama, there is sequins."

"You are in pink," Clint pointed at the picture.

"The hair, Melinda, the hair." Phil was dying a little. Melinda's mother had sent them a box of photos and things from Melinda's childhood and the kids had torn through it. Melinda was mostly resigned to the teasing. And Nick had to have some dirt on young Phil.

"I was a Dorothy Hamill fan, shut up," Melinda said. The picture of her skating went up on the mantle and things were put away and she sort of forgot all about it.

****************************

"Can I take the blindfold off now?" Melinda asked.

"No," Clint said. "You can't see the skating rink yet." They all stopped and Clint whimpered. "Aww mouth, no."

Phil picked him up and hugged him tight. "It's okay, buddy," he promised.

"You can take the scarf off, Mama," Natasha said and Melinda untied the scarf. She expected to be in town with the way they drove, and at the rink the city did at city centre. And they were. It was all decorated for Christmas the square in front of city hall, a giant tree, and bows and wreaths everywhere and a small skating rink with rentals and a hot chocolate booth for charity. "We're taking you skating!" Natasha said. "Can you show me twirls?"

"If I remember and don't fall on my face," Melinda promised.

"Dad knows how to also!" Clint said.

"Played a little hockey in my youth," Phil said.

Skye helped the kids with their skates, paying attention to how Melinda was lacing her rentals to make sure she did it right. She sent the kids onto the ice with Phil and Melinda and took a ton of photos of the family skating together, Melinda a lot better than Phil and showing the kids some extra moves. They were out there for over an hour, until the kids were shivering even in their snowsuits. When they came off the ice, Skye was waiting with a tray of hot cocoa and she had donated a little more to get a few extra marshmallows. They all sat together in the warming tent.

"Did you see me, Skye? Did you see me?" Clint asked, a chocolate mustache on his face.

"I did. Have photos and videos too," Skye promised.

"You didn't skate," Melinda said.

"Weak ankles," Skye answered easily. "Not my thing." She ignored the way May kept staring and her and praised Tashie for all the spins she had been doing.

That night at 1am, Skye woke up when Melinda poked her. "Come on," Melinda said. Melinda was in jeans and her coat, Phil's skull cap on her head. "Move out."

Skye got quickly dressed and followed Melinda out. Melinda even put the car in neutral to get it out of the driveway.

"May, are you taking me out to the country and abandoning me?" Skye was only half joking. Phil kept insisting that she would always be needed but May had been with the family over a year now, this was their second Christmas and maybe they had finally realized they could get along fine without Skye.

It was a beautiful night, stars and full moon shining brightly. And May pulled up to the city centre. "Let's go," she said and got out of the car.

"May what the hell is going on?" Skye followed her and watched stunned as May picked a lock. "How do you know how to do that?"

"Tashie has been teaching me," Melinda replied. She went in and returned with two pairs of skates. She pushed at Skye's shoulders until the girl sat. She then crouched down and had Skye's boots off and one skate on before Skye remembered words.

"I don't get it."

"You don't know how to skate," Melinda said. She had Skye in and then did hers. Melinda stood up. "So I am teaching you."

"By breaking and entering government property at 1am?" Skye stood up and wobbled a bit. Melinda caught her easily. "That seems a little extreme."

"You dislike not knowing things that you think you should know. Things kids are supposed to have done with parents. You are embarrassed when you falter on things like this, or going to fairs, what you call 'Sitcom Family 101'. You want it desperately and hate that you didn't have anyone to give a damn about you." Melinda looked at Skye. "You have people who give a damn. So you are learning to skate."

Melinda lead her onto the ice and Skye clung to the temporary wall. Melinda went a couple times around and then did smaller circles and talked to Skye, explaining what she was doing, how she was doing it. She then skated back to Skye. "Ready?"

"Nope!" Skye said and clung to the wall.

"Skye, hold on to me and not the cheap MDF wall there," Melinda said in a hard voice and Skye automatically switched. "Now I've got you, push off."

Skye tried and she wobbled, but Melinda's grip was tight and soon they made a very very slow go around the small rink. Melinda's hands twitched and Skye's grip grew punishing. "Don't let go," Skye begged.

Melinda looked at her. "I'm never letting go," she said firmly. "I want you to understand, I...we are never letting go. Okay?"

Skye nodded. "Okay," she said and they went around again, a little quicker this time.

They did a few laps and Skye thought she was almost ready to let go, when they heard sirens briefly flare. "Okay folks, party's over," Maria said through her loud speaker. She walked over and leaned against the wall. "Folks, skating hours are clearly posted."

Melinda looked at her. "Oh just grab a pair."

Maria grumbled but went and grabbed a pair and was soon on the ice with them. The three skated for a while longer and Skye even managed a lap on her own before she fell. The two women helped her up. Maria finally made them got off and put the skates away.

Melinda drove Skye home.

"Thanks," Skye said softly.

"You're welcome."

"Kids are going to be pissed you did a break out without them," Skye said.

"Well, guess it can be our secret then," Melinda gave her a hug and went quietly into the main house. Skye went to her room above the garage. She didn't think of Melinda like she secretly did Phil. No matter how the kids felt, Melinda couldn't really feel like a mom to Skye, the way Phil felt like her dad. But it had sure felt like something a cool way older sister would do. Very one hour family dramadey sort of thing. 

Skye smiled as she fell asleep. It was a pretty cool feeling. 


End file.
